16dp5dt / 21dpo

So today I called the clinic and made a tiny white lie. I told them that I experienced some bleeding over the weekend and wasn’t sure what to do.

I just wanted another blood test. I need to know how things are progressing. Especially since last time the numbers looked okay at the very beginning, but as we progressed they got worse. Just for comparison, in 2 days time was when the numbers only rose a little, and in 4 days time was when they dropped.

So the nurse spoke to me and told me that she would speak to Anne, my doctor, and get back to me.

About half an hour later she rings me and tells me that Anne wants to book a scan for TOMORROW or Thursday.

Um, does anyone remember how many times I had to ask for a scan last time before I got one? 4 times. 

But this time, I call with some ‘bleeding issues’ and they throw a scan at me like that?

WITH NO BLOOD TEST?!

So I accepted the offer and booked a scan for tomorrow.

But as the day drew on, I got this pit in my stomach. What if something is wrong? What if we see nothing again like last time? 

If we see nothing, she will probably send me off for another blood test, then I’m going to spend the day worrying, wondering if we saw nothing because there is nothing there, or if it’s because my levels aren’t high enough.

So I rang them back.

I asked if it would be possible to do the scan on Thursday and have a blood test tomorrow. I explained why, and how I am finding it much harder to relax this time round, and the nurse told me it shouldn’t be a problem but she would check with Anne and get back to me.

Well, 5 minutes later I got my pathology slip emailed to me and an appointment time for Thursday.

Wow. 

So I’m excited and nervous to know what my numbers are.

At 17 dpo they were 216, so tomorrow (22dpo) they should be around 1300. That’s assuming they are doubling every 48 hours. 

Ideally, I would like to see the number over 1500, but I don’t know if I’m getting my hopes up too high? My numbers have never risen at a high/fast rate so it’s unlikely they will be. I just want an indication that all is going well.

My test isn’t darker today. I’m not sure if they get any darker than this though? What is the darkest they get? So that there is only a super faint control line? Or perhaps this is it? 

I still have a few more tests left, but I’m going to wait a few days to test again. 

Symptoms? I need to pee a lot now a days. I’m also sooooo tired. Grumpy. No patience. Snappy. And craving lots of junk foods. I haven’t indulged yet but oh my god, all I want is like 700 bags of twisties and like, 29 blocks of chocolate. 

I’m becoming more accepting of this possibly being a boy too. At the beginning, I was convinced this is a girl. But everyone, literally every person who knows, thinks it is a boy.

To be fair, the only people who know is my mum and dad, my reflexologist, and a close family friend. 

But they all say boy.

At the beginning I was so dead against having a boy. I can’t even tell you why. Well, okay, maybe I have a small reason.

Boys scare me. Not the gender itself, but caring for a boy as a single mum. He won’t have a father role model and I don’t know if a boy needs that kind of thing. I’m not really educated on the subject. But with Scarlett, I figured a girl needs her mum, and here I am, so no issues.

I grew up without a ‘dad’ (although my biological uncle sort of took me on as his own in my later years, hence why I call him dad) and I’m fine. But my brother, who lived with my grandma growing up, never had a male figure and I think it sort of made him feel like he missed out on something important. He always got way too attached to my biological mums boyfriends and was devastated when they left. I feel like it took a big toll on him.

Which is why, when he turned 16, he sought out our biological father who hadn’t wanted anything to do with us for over 10 years, and tried to have a relationship with him.

It didn’t really work out, but to this day he still contacts him.

So I would feel nervous having a boy. I would love to kick the footy around with a boy and teach him manners and how to respect women, but by not giving him a dad, am I taking away a crucial part of his life?

I figure what happens, hsppens. If I was meant to have a boy, then that’s how it was meant to be. I won’t argue it and I’ll be so grateful. I just really hope I’m not setting him up for disaster before he’s even born.

Now, to end on a high note, here is my little cherub 😍

15dp5dt / 20dpo

Guys, I have a serious issue forming that has formed over the last several days and it seems to only be getting worse.

I am so moody. Everything pisses me off 100% more than it normally would. And because I’m so moody, I am becoming a terrible person and making terrible decisions.

Scarlett cries every night in her high chair at dinner. As soon as she is done, she just cries and cries and cries until someone (99% of the time, me!!) cleans her up and gets her out. Problem is, I have been trying to teach her to just say ‘done’ when she is finished and I’ll clean her up.

And she can say it. When she is finished drawing she gives me her pencils and says ‘done’. When she’s finished with a toy she will put it back or give it to me and say done. So it’s not like she can’t say it. She just won’t say it at dinner.

Yesterday we sat down to eat and it was the usual dinner time (5:30) and I had literally just buckled her into her high chair when the screaming began. She didn’t even take a bite. She just sat there crying. 

I tried everything to figure out what was wrong. I offered all sorts of food, even pried out the frozen yogurt from the freezer! But nope. 

So I unbuckled her from the chair and put her on the floor, where she proceeded to throw herself down on the ground and scream.

She then got up and wanted to go back into the high chair. So I put her back in there, and she continued to cry. Still didn’t eat anything, just cried. So I got her out again.

More crying. More screaming. Then she wanted to get back into the high chair.

This went on for 45 minutes. 45 fucking minutes. 

Then she cried so much she vomited. I tried snuggles. I tried junk food. I tried taking her into another room to calm down. I tried her comforter (blanket). I tried toys. 

And nothing worked. She kept screaming. And she vomited again (no, she wasn’t unwell, she was just putting her fingers in her mouth and making herself vomit).

So in the end, I left her in the lounge room and went to eat my dinner.

Only to find that the cat had jumped on the table and ate all the meat off my leftover pizza, and about 1/2 the crust on one slice and 1/4 of the crust on the other. 

Then I lost it.

From the kitchen I screamed ‘STOP. FUCKING. SCREAMING. I HAVE HAD ENOUGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!’.

She didn’t stop, infact, it made it worse (duh!).

But I kept going. 

‘ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH’.

And then I started crying. Because my child was crying. Because she refused to eat anything and everything. Because the cat ate my dinner. Because the reason we had pizza the night before was because we had no food in the cupboard, so I had no dinner now.

Everything built and I just broke.

Of course, I also felt terrible for screaming at my child. I think she knew how upset I was though because she came over and while she was screaming, she crawled up me and gave me a long, super sweet cuddle.

But not even that. That was a big incident. Little things are getting on my nerves too.

Scarlett kicking me while sleeping. The shopping centre not having the colour shirt I wanted for Scarlett, even though they said they did! Me tripping over my feet. My dad buying the wrong size bag of chips (yes, he got the bigger bag, not the smaller bag I wanted. Which is crazy right? Because, more chips! But I saw more fat I didn’t need and I was SO angry!!!!!).

I’m angry over everything and nothing at all. I feel so tightly strung right now. I have zero patience and it this continues, I am going to be a fucking terrible person to be around!

In saying that, I tested again today. Yesterday I didn’t test because Scarlett woke up early and I was busting to go, but I can’t do a pee test with my 18 month old there. She would play in the pee cup. So I just skipped yesterday and did today.

Good progress, I think.

Let’s hope my attitude improves just like that test line is!!

13dp5dt / 18dpo

So everyone, I’ve made it through the day the miscarriage happened last time. Well, let me clarify, it was the day that I had bleeding and cramping with clots and all other yucky things. Today, 18dpo was the day. Of course, my hcg did rise after that, but my doctor later explained to me that if there is pregnancy tissue left (any pregnancy tissue) that the numbers will rise until it’s all gone. Which explains why I bled for the next week before more clots came out and the numbers finally dropped.

So yay. I made it past that hurdle. Of course, I’m still in the danger zone, but I feel really happy that I made it through today. I feel like it’s one small hurdle that I managed to pass without too much trepidation or anxiety. Don’t get me wrong, I could start bleeding tomorrow and have the same outcome, but it was my own personal hurdle and I’m proud I made it through. 

You know what I realised today? Going to the toilet is like a game of Russian roulette. Each time you sit there, just before you wipe, you’re prepping yourself for that bright red blood to appear. 

Is this going to be the time it appears? How much will be there? Is it only going to be blood? Cramps or clots too?

And it’s that moment before you wipe that you hope and sent all the positive thoughts to the universe. You think, please, please let it be all clear.

It makes it worse when:

1.) you’re on progesterone which tends to make me (I don’t know if anyone else has this issue?) much more wet down there as the ‘left overs’ come out. Ew, I know. I think we are way past modesty at this point though.

2.) you’re pregnant, so you make more bodily fluids in the form of EVERYTHING, so not only are you choking on saliva, you’re also expelling much more cervical mucous than you normally would

And 3.) when I’m pregnant, I sweat like crazy. I can’t stop it. I could be in a cooled 18 degree Celsius room and still sweat. And I swear everywhere. Yes, down there too. 

So, because of those three things, whenever I go to the toilet, I know I’m wet down there. But from what? 

And this is what plays on my mind every day. I actually find myself avoiding going to the toilet until I absolutely can’t hold it anymore because I just don’t want to deal with the anxiety that comes with wiping.

And I mean, you can’t not look. It doesn’t work that way! I don’t want to be bleeding, but I don’t want to be bleeding and not know about it!!

Thankfully, so far I haven’t had to experience the bleeding. I’m sure it’s coming, and it will rip my heart to shreds when it does, but if it just held off until after I give birth, that would be great.

In saying that. Of course I tested today!

I actually wasn’t expecting a strong result today because I didn’t use my first morning urine. Scarlett was up at stupid o clock (4:30am) and decided it was time to start the day. I had gotten up at 2:00am to go to the toilet, but I was busting again at 4:30am!

So I ended up taking the test at 7am. 

And surprisingly, the line came up right away! I would even say that it’s as hard as the control line. It’s darker than yesterday’s, so I’m hoping this is good news!

My doctor also rang, she wants to see me on feb 20th for my first scan (pending nothing else goes wrong). So I booked that. I’ll be exactly 7 weeks, so we should be able to see a baby and a heartbeat.

Come on babe, grow.

You know guys, I have this feeling it’s a girl. 

My mum and my reflexologist are CONVINCED I’m having a boy, but I don’t know. I just think it’s a girl.

I mean, I wouldn’t mind if it was a boy. The only thing that would grate on me is the starting over. I would have to buy all new clothes and I wouldn’t be able to reuse any of the Disney costumes I have (unless he wants to wear them, of course). I would love another girl. But over all, I want a healthy baby. So boy or girl, as long as they are healthy, I’m not concerned. (But I do think it’s a girl and if it’s not I’m going to have pie on my face 😄)

12dp5dt / 17dpo

I had my first beta today.

But before that, I tested again. I think the line was darker.

And my beta was 216.

Wow. That’s higher than it’s ever been, even with Scarlett. It’s so high (for me) that my doctor doesn’t even want to do anymore testing. She just wants me to book a 7 week scan.

Nope. I can guarantee that I will be getting another test done next week. I think I’ll call up and tell them that I’ve had some bleeding over the weekend. I know that it’s bad karma to lie, but after everything I’ve been through, you can expect me to just wait and see!

I need answers. I need reassurances. I need to know this pregnancy is progressing. Even 3 betas would soothe me. I know it’s a good result, but it’s also the latest result I’ve ever had. I’ve always had my first beta test around 12dpo. Usually I have had 2 betas already. 

But I’m hopeful now. So far I haven’t had any bleeding (apart from the pink/watery light red spotting at 12dpo). And the cramping has settled today.

So I don’t know. I’m scared I’m getting my hopes up for a big disappointment. I’m a little scared.

11dp5dt / 16dpo

Paiiiinnnnnnn. Pain has been a big thing today.

I woke up with a swollen feeling in my pelvis, and that has escalated to pain there. At first I thought it was cramps, and I swear that’s sort of what it feels like. Except, it’s just one long constant cramp.

But, there’s no RED bleeding. I’m having a lot of dark brown stained crinone, but nothing fresh. Yet. 

I don’t know. With Scarlett, I bled but I never had any cramping. 

Then with the miscarriage, it was cramps with blood.

Now with this pregnancy, it seems I have cramps but with no blood. Or brown stained crinone, does that count?

I don’t know. This is so complicated. 

I tested today, after not testing yesterday. I needed a day off because everything was getting a bit overwhelming and I was finding myself getting worked up over the lines not being dark enough or progressing fast enough.

Anyway, the line was darker, but not a whole lot darker. I think it’s a bit inaccurate too because I took it, then showered, then took the photos of it. Which means by the time I got to it, it had probably been 15-20 minutes. So I guess it’s not really an accurate ‘fresh’ result, but here it is anyway.

The pain has really started worrying me today. So, I’ve decided to go for my blood test a day early, tomorrow. I figure it actually works out better for me anyway, because on Friday I have to work and since I can’t answer my phone at work and they have brought in new policies which outline they can’t leave messages, I won’t know my results until Monday! So if I go tomorrow when I’m not working, that will work out better for me.

My beta with Scarlett at 16dpo was 148, and my beta with the miscarriage at 16dpo was 87.

I feel like the test is on par with Scarlett’s at this point and darker than the miscarriage. So tomorrow I’m expecting a result around 140 ish. Maybe? I mean, I’m hoping for over 200, but I’ll take what I can get!

Scarlett had her first ballet class today and she absolutely adored it. It was a trial class so we didn’t have the right uniform, but she looked so cute anyway. She danced so hard she had a 3 hour nap! How crazy is that?!



9dp5dt / 14dpo

Today I’m going to be brutally honest and if it means I later shoot myself in the foot, then so be it. I feel like I need to write my feelings down.

So as we know, I’ve had 4 pregnancies including the current one. I have one living child (so far!), and 2 that didn’t make it.

This makes a person sort of apprehensive when it comes to pregnancy. At the same time, every time you are pregnant you hope that this is it. You hope you don’t have to go through another loss. You think ‘how would it be fair for the universe to do this to me again‘. And eventually that tiny trickle of hope becomes something much bigger.

That hope becomes attachment. I’ll admit it, even though I feel like I’m somehow jinxing myself, I’m attached to this pregnancy. 

I don’t think that I should be apprehensive about the fact that I want this pregnancy to work out. I guess I just feel like I’ve already been through so much to get here. I know I’ve been through nothing in comparison to other women, but my struggles are real and had a major impact on my life.

I mean, for the ‘typical‘ male/female relationship, they start with a partner, then they decide they want a baby and try. Sometimes it happens first go, other times not so much. But if it doesn’t work, they haven’t lost anything (obviously excluding cases where infertility is involved).

But for me, it’s not so simple. I pay for expensive medication and prep my body for months with vitamins and minerals and all this fucking shit to make my body ‘optimal condition’ for a pregnancy. I watched my weight and exercised and was good. Then I paid thousands of dollars to stimulate my ovaries, and to get eggs, then to inseminate those eggs and watch embryos form into blastocysts. Then I paid to have one transferred and paid for the medication to help it stick.

And it stuck. I found that out because I went out and purchased a fuck-tonne of home pregnancy tests to scratch my itch of an addiction.

And then I got attached. I got attached to this embryo that I purposely grew with medication, and purposely inseminated. I got an update every single day from the lab to see how it was growing and it gave me a thrill to know how it was going.

And all the while I was 100% aware of what was going on. So to do all that, to put all that effort in and to end up with nothing? It would be a huge blow to my emotional health. 

Because if this pregnancy doesn’t work out and results in yet another miscarriage, I can’t just pick myself up and try next month. Because I’ve lost of shit load. A shit load of money and time and effort and dedication.

Maybe it’s different for people who get pregnant without trying and maybe it’s not. I’m not dismissing anyone’s emotions because everyone has their own experiences, this is just mine. 

I just feel that because I’ve had to put so much extra effort into trying to conceive and then trying to keep the pregnancy, that I sort of get extra attached because of everything I’ve been through to get pregnant. 

And I am, im attached. 

Today my mum asked which day I wanted to make my baby shower and I just sort of looked at her stupid. My mum is a planner. She’s exactly like me (or I’m exactly like her?) and plans everything as soon as possible and in as much detail as possible. So it wasn’t a nasty question, but it is so bizarre. She’s asking me when I want the baby shower as if everything is already fine and it will last.

And while I hope it does, I don’t want to plan things like that yet. My baby shower with Scarlett was done when I was 34 weeks. That’s 30 weeks from today in case anyone is wondering. 

I politely told her that I don’t want to plan anything just yet until I’m in the safer period of pregnancy. She was fine with that given my previous history.

But I was just taken back a little when she wanted to plan for something that wasn’t a guarantee.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been doing a lot of comparing. With Scarlett, I had one bout of spotting at 11dpo but nothing again until 20dpo, where it was like a blood bath HOWEVER it was after I put my finger up there to see if I had a yeast infection… I know, gross. I didn’t bleed again with her until a week later, and then lightly on and off until 15 weeks where it just stopped.

With this most recent miscarriage, I bleed from day dot. 9dpo – 12 dpo was spotting. 14dpo I had a small bout of bright red blood. 16 dpo was the same thing. 18dpo was when I had the cramps and spotting. I bled on 19dpo but it stopped until 21dpo where it pretty much continued every few days until the end.

So comparing, I feel like this pregnancy is already ‘healthier‘. I had the pink stained toilet paper at 11dpo which turned into two wipes of watery light red blood, but nothing since. KNOCK ON WOOD!

Obviously I’m only 14dpo today so it’s still early days, but maybe this one will work? Maybe this is the one that isn’t going to cause me any issues. Could I be so lucky?!

I’ve checked the dates (because of course, I love to torture myself), and I would be 12 weeks the week before Easter. Because it’s my brothers birthday weekend and also the weekend we are having my friends baby shower, I’m going to hold off until Easter to announce if it all works out.

I could do a little Easter themed reveal. It makes me excited just thinking about it.

And these are the thoughts that make me scold myself. I can’t think that I’m going to make it to the reveal because I don’t want to get my hopes up. The really sad part though? I’m pretty sure they are already floating somewhere above my head… that’s how high they are.

Houston, we have a problem.

Ah. Anyway.

Boobs are less sore today. Not sure what to take from that.

Earlier today and just now I noticed some really sharp, stabbing pains in my pelvic area. They were short and painful but went away after about a minute. Also not sure what to make of them. My first thought when I felt them was ‘the beginning of the end!’.

But I’m not bleeding again (yet.). 

Still really tired.

And also starving. Today I ate two pieces of toast and two eggs for lunch. Holy crap. I still felt like I could eat a buffalo after it though!

Tests were darker today too. Only slightly, but still progression.

And I guess that’s pretty much it. I’ll update more tomorrow 😊

7dp5dt / 12dpo

My test was darker today. Not enough to say it is super dark, but it’s no longer very faint. I would call it light, because the camera on my phone still has trouble picking the line up. But it’s there.

I think you can see it best in the collage of ‘fresh’ tests (the middle photo). 

In regards to how the tests compared to my pregnancy with Scarlett and the miscarriage, the line is pretty much exactly the same as the miscarriage, and it is very hard to compare it to Scarlett’s pregnancy. With Scarlett, I realised I was getting stronger positives in the arfternoon/night so I stopped taking tests in the morning and took them at night.

So if we are comparing them to Scarlett’s pregnancy, the line is lighter. Perhaps for curiosity’s sake, I might take another this afternoon.

I will edit this once I’ve taken it with comparison photos.

*edit*

Okay, I’m back with comparison photos. This was Scarlett’s pregnancy at 12dpo:

And this one:

Both were taken in the afternoon. Both look nearly identical.

So I guess we are on par to Scarlett’s pregnancy? Let’s hope it turns out the way Scarlett’s pregnancy did 😊



6dp5dt / 11dpo

I’m a day late in writing this. 

At 11dpo, despite the positive tests, I thought I was out. Because, blood.

Of course, just like every other f***ing time, I start bleeding. This started out as pink spotting on the toilet paper, and then the next time I went to the toilet it was mostly light red. Not dark red and it wasn’t a lot, but it was there.

I called the clinic and they pretty much told me to increase my dosage of crinone and wait. Greaaattttt.

Anyway. The test today was slightly darker.

So those photos are the ‘fresh’ pictures of right after I took the tests, then comparison with one fresh compared to the other dry ones, and the individual test.

So slightly darker.

My boobs are still sore but otherwise I’m not feeling anything. To be fair, I felt nothing with Scarlett too. I guess we have to wait and see!

5dp5dt / 10dpo

As we know, I tested yesterday and although I swore I saw a line, no one else saw it and the camera didn’t pick it up, so I dismissed my eyes and called it as a negative.

I woke up today to even sorer boobs, and I felt nauseas. I don’t think I felt like I wanted to vomit, but moreso just lethargic and unwell.

Once I got up, showered and got ready, I was fine. It was like the sickness just evaporated.

Now of course, I tested again.

I decided to do one clear blue digital test and one FRER. 

I dipped them and then put a paper towel over them so I couldn’t peek until the time was up.

I tossed up over which one I was going to look at first. I’ve never done a digital at 10dpo, but I have gotten a positive at 11dpo. I know I get positives at 10dpo with a FRER, so maybe if I look at that first it won’t discourage me when I look at the digital.

Then the thought crossed my mind ‘what if they are both negative?’.

Anyway, I decided to look at the digital first. Call me a masochist, but I jumped into the deep end blind. I wanted to know. 

And this is what I got:

Oh. Wow.

So then, the FRER:

A faint line, but it’s there. It’s stronger than it was at 10dpo with the miscarriage, and about the same as it was with Scarlett. I’m not sure if the camera is even picking it up well, probably not, but wow.

Guys, I’m pregnant again.

Now the problem is, because of the miscarriage, I’m not delusional enough to think that just because I got a positive, it means I’m going to have a baby. 

Once I see a heartbeat on an ultrasound, then I’ll feel a bit better. Still anxious, but I’m sure that anxiety will ease once I pass the 13 week mark. Or not. Who knows. I guess it will lessen. 

So, let’s keep our fingers crossed and hope this it it! 

4dp5dt / 9dpo

So I tested this morning. I expected a stark white negative. But I don’t know. I swear I see the super, most faintest line ever. But it may just be my eyes telling my brain it’s there because I do badly want it to be there.

The camera didn’t pick it up so I’m inclined to think it isn’t there, and I’m classing the result as negative.

I’ve included two pictures, one that is unedited and one with the contrast turned up to 100%.

I guess I’ll have some answers tomorrow? With every pregnancy so far I’ve had a faint positive at 10dpo or 5dp5dt. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed! 

Symptom wise, everything is the same. Oh! Except, a few times today I had that weird butt cramp thing that I had when I was in pain after the egg collection. I don’t think it means anything, it’s just that it went away and now it’s back, so that’s annoying.

My boobs are still very tender. In fact, Scarlett leaned against one today and shit, I almost died. It hurt, a lot!

But yes! I’ll update tomorrow with the test results! 😊