So everyone, I’ve made it through the day the miscarriage happened last time. Well, let me clarify, it was the day that I had bleeding and cramping with clots and all other yucky things. Today, 18dpo was the day. Of course, my hcg did rise after that, but my doctor later explained to me that if there is pregnancy tissue left (any pregnancy tissue) that the numbers will rise until it’s all gone. Which explains why I bled for the next week before more clots came out and the numbers finally dropped.
So yay. I made it past that hurdle. Of course, I’m still in the danger zone, but I feel really happy that I made it through today. I feel like it’s one small hurdle that I managed to pass without too much trepidation or anxiety. Don’t get me wrong, I could start bleeding tomorrow and have the same outcome, but it was my own personal hurdle and I’m proud I made it through.
You know what I realised today? Going to the toilet is like a game of Russian roulette. Each time you sit there, just before you wipe, you’re prepping yourself for that bright red blood to appear.
Is this going to be the time it appears? How much will be there? Is it only going to be blood? Cramps or clots too?
And it’s that moment before you wipe that you hope and sent all the positive thoughts to the universe. You think, please, please let it be all clear.
It makes it worse when:
1.) you’re on progesterone which tends to make me (I don’t know if anyone else has this issue?) much more wet down there as the ‘left overs’ come out. Ew, I know. I think we are way past modesty at this point though.
2.) you’re pregnant, so you make more bodily fluids in the form of EVERYTHING, so not only are you choking on saliva, you’re also expelling much more cervical mucous than you normally would
And 3.) when I’m pregnant, I sweat like crazy. I can’t stop it. I could be in a cooled 18 degree Celsius room and still sweat. And I swear everywhere. Yes, down there too.
So, because of those three things, whenever I go to the toilet, I know I’m wet down there. But from what?
And this is what plays on my mind every day. I actually find myself avoiding going to the toilet until I absolutely can’t hold it anymore because I just don’t want to deal with the anxiety that comes with wiping.
And I mean, you can’t not look. It doesn’t work that way! I don’t want to be bleeding, but I don’t want to be bleeding and not know about it!!
Thankfully, so far I haven’t had to experience the bleeding. I’m sure it’s coming, and it will rip my heart to shreds when it does, but if it just held off until after I give birth, that would be great.
In saying that. Of course I tested today!
I actually wasn’t expecting a strong result today because I didn’t use my first morning urine. Scarlett was up at stupid o clock (4:30am) and decided it was time to start the day. I had gotten up at 2:00am to go to the toilet, but I was busting again at 4:30am!
So I ended up taking the test at 7am.
And surprisingly, the line came up right away! I would even say that it’s as hard as the control line. It’s darker than yesterday’s, so I’m hoping this is good news!
My doctor also rang, she wants to see me on feb 20th for my first scan (pending nothing else goes wrong). So I booked that. I’ll be exactly 7 weeks, so we should be able to see a baby and a heartbeat.
Come on babe, grow.
You know guys, I have this feeling it’s a girl.
My mum and my reflexologist are CONVINCED I’m having a boy, but I don’t know. I just think it’s a girl.
I mean, I wouldn’t mind if it was a boy. The only thing that would grate on me is the starting over. I would have to buy all new clothes and I wouldn’t be able to reuse any of the Disney costumes I have (unless he wants to wear them, of course). I would love another girl. But over all, I want a healthy baby. So boy or girl, as long as they are healthy, I’m not concerned. (But I do think it’s a girl and if it’s not I’m going to have pie on my face 😄)