15dp5dt / 20dpo

Guys, I have a serious issue forming that has formed over the last several days and it seems to only be getting worse.

I am so moody. Everything pisses me off 100% more than it normally would. And because I’m so moody, I am becoming a terrible person and making terrible decisions.

Scarlett cries every night in her high chair at dinner. As soon as she is done, she just cries and cries and cries until someone (99% of the time, me!!) cleans her up and gets her out. Problem is, I have been trying to teach her to just say ‘done’ when she is finished and I’ll clean her up.

And she can say it. When she is finished drawing she gives me her pencils and says ‘done’. When she’s finished with a toy she will put it back or give it to me and say done. So it’s not like she can’t say it. She just won’t say it at dinner.

Yesterday we sat down to eat and it was the usual dinner time (5:30) and I had literally just buckled her into her high chair when the screaming began. She didn’t even take a bite. She just sat there crying. 

I tried everything to figure out what was wrong. I offered all sorts of food, even pried out the frozen yogurt from the freezer! But nope. 

So I unbuckled her from the chair and put her on the floor, where she proceeded to throw herself down on the ground and scream.

She then got up and wanted to go back into the high chair. So I put her back in there, and she continued to cry. Still didn’t eat anything, just cried. So I got her out again.

More crying. More screaming. Then she wanted to get back into the high chair.

This went on for 45 minutes. 45 fucking minutes. 

Then she cried so much she vomited. I tried snuggles. I tried junk food. I tried taking her into another room to calm down. I tried her comforter (blanket). I tried toys. 

And nothing worked. She kept screaming. And she vomited again (no, she wasn’t unwell, she was just putting her fingers in her mouth and making herself vomit).

So in the end, I left her in the lounge room and went to eat my dinner.

Only to find that the cat had jumped on the table and ate all the meat off my leftover pizza, and about 1/2 the crust on one slice and 1/4 of the crust on the other. 

Then I lost it.

From the kitchen I screamed ‘STOP. FUCKING. SCREAMING. I HAVE HAD ENOUGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!’.

She didn’t stop, infact, it made it worse (duh!).

But I kept going. 

‘ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH’.

And then I started crying. Because my child was crying. Because she refused to eat anything and everything. Because the cat ate my dinner. Because the reason we had pizza the night before was because we had no food in the cupboard, so I had no dinner now.

Everything built and I just broke.

Of course, I also felt terrible for screaming at my child. I think she knew how upset I was though because she came over and while she was screaming, she crawled up me and gave me a long, super sweet cuddle.

But not even that. That was a big incident. Little things are getting on my nerves too.

Scarlett kicking me while sleeping. The shopping centre not having the colour shirt I wanted for Scarlett, even though they said they did! Me tripping over my feet. My dad buying the wrong size bag of chips (yes, he got the bigger bag, not the smaller bag I wanted. Which is crazy right? Because, more chips! But I saw more fat I didn’t need and I was SO angry!!!!!).

I’m angry over everything and nothing at all. I feel so tightly strung right now. I have zero patience and it this continues, I am going to be a fucking terrible person to be around!

In saying that, I tested again today. Yesterday I didn’t test because Scarlett woke up early and I was busting to go, but I can’t do a pee test with my 18 month old there. She would play in the pee cup. So I just skipped yesterday and did today.

Good progress, I think.


Let’s hope my attitude improves just like that test line is!!

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2 thoughts on “15dp5dt / 20dpo

  1. Parenting is so hard. I’ve yelled at my 6 month old after she screamed for 45 minutes one day. It told me it was time to put her down and walk away. Yelling is not irreparable. You’ll get through this and the little will be no worse for the wear.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re so right. My problem is that I will yell, immediately regret it (especially since it doesn’t fix anything!), then continue feeling bad about it for the next few days. I try my best though, so that counts 😊

      Like

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