Today I’m going to be brutally honest and if it means I later shoot myself in the foot, then so be it. I feel like I need to write my feelings down.
So as we know, I’ve had 4 pregnancies including the current one. I have one living child (so far!), and 2 that didn’t make it.
This makes a person sort of apprehensive when it comes to pregnancy. At the same time, every time you are pregnant you hope that this is it. You hope you don’t have to go through another loss. You think ‘how would it be fair for the universe to do this to me again‘. And eventually that tiny trickle of hope becomes something much bigger.
That hope becomes attachment. I’ll admit it, even though I feel like I’m somehow jinxing myself, I’m attached to this pregnancy.
I don’t think that I should be apprehensive about the fact that I want this pregnancy to work out. I guess I just feel like I’ve already been through so much to get here. I know I’ve been through nothing in comparison to other women, but my struggles are real and had a major impact on my life.
I mean, for the ‘typical‘ male/female relationship, they start with a partner, then they decide they want a baby and try. Sometimes it happens first go, other times not so much. But if it doesn’t work, they haven’t lost anything (obviously excluding cases where infertility is involved).
But for me, it’s not so simple. I pay for expensive medication and prep my body for months with vitamins and minerals and all this fucking shit to make my body ‘optimal condition’ for a pregnancy. I watched my weight and exercised and was good. Then I paid thousands of dollars to stimulate my ovaries, and to get eggs, then to inseminate those eggs and watch embryos form into blastocysts. Then I paid to have one transferred and paid for the medication to help it stick.
And it stuck. I found that out because I went out and purchased a fuck-tonne of home pregnancy tests to scratch my itch of an addiction.
And then I got attached. I got attached to this embryo that I purposely grew with medication, and purposely inseminated. I got an update every single day from the lab to see how it was growing and it gave me a thrill to know how it was going.
And all the while I was 100% aware of what was going on. So to do all that, to put all that effort in and to end up with nothing? It would be a huge blow to my emotional health.
Because if this pregnancy doesn’t work out and results in yet another miscarriage, I can’t just pick myself up and try next month. Because I’ve lost of shit load. A shit load of money and time and effort and dedication.
Maybe it’s different for people who get pregnant without trying and maybe it’s not. I’m not dismissing anyone’s emotions because everyone has their own experiences, this is just mine.
I just feel that because I’ve had to put so much extra effort into trying to conceive and then trying to keep the pregnancy, that I sort of get extra attached because of everything I’ve been through to get pregnant.
And I am, im attached.
Today my mum asked which day I wanted to make my baby shower and I just sort of looked at her stupid. My mum is a planner. She’s exactly like me (or I’m exactly like her?) and plans everything as soon as possible and in as much detail as possible. So it wasn’t a nasty question, but it is so bizarre. She’s asking me when I want the baby shower as if everything is already fine and it will last.
And while I hope it does, I don’t want to plan things like that yet. My baby shower with Scarlett was done when I was 34 weeks. That’s 30 weeks from today in case anyone is wondering.
I politely told her that I don’t want to plan anything just yet until I’m in the safer period of pregnancy. She was fine with that given my previous history.
But I was just taken back a little when she wanted to plan for something that wasn’t a guarantee.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been doing a lot of comparing. With Scarlett, I had one bout of spotting at 11dpo but nothing again until 20dpo, where it was like a blood bath HOWEVER it was after I put my finger up there to see if I had a yeast infection… I know, gross. I didn’t bleed again with her until a week later, and then lightly on and off until 15 weeks where it just stopped.
With this most recent miscarriage, I bleed from day dot. 9dpo – 12 dpo was spotting. 14dpo I had a small bout of bright red blood. 16 dpo was the same thing. 18dpo was when I had the cramps and spotting. I bled on 19dpo but it stopped until 21dpo where it pretty much continued every few days until the end.
So comparing, I feel like this pregnancy is already ‘healthier‘. I had the pink stained toilet paper at 11dpo which turned into two wipes of watery light red blood, but nothing since. KNOCK ON WOOD!
Obviously I’m only 14dpo today so it’s still early days, but maybe this one will work? Maybe this is the one that isn’t going to cause me any issues. Could I be so lucky?!
I’ve checked the dates (because of course, I love to torture myself), and I would be 12 weeks the week before Easter. Because it’s my brothers birthday weekend and also the weekend we are having my friends baby shower, I’m going to hold off until Easter to announce if it all works out.
I could do a little Easter themed reveal. It makes me excited just thinking about it.
And these are the thoughts that make me scold myself. I can’t think that I’m going to make it to the reveal because I don’t want to get my hopes up. The really sad part though? I’m pretty sure they are already floating somewhere above my head… that’s how high they are.
Houston, we have a problem.
Boobs are less sore today. Not sure what to take from that.
Earlier today and just now I noticed some really sharp, stabbing pains in my pelvic area. They were short and painful but went away after about a minute. Also not sure what to make of them. My first thought when I felt them was ‘the beginning of the end!’.
But I’m not bleeding again (yet.).
Still really tired.
And also starving. Today I ate two pieces of toast and two eggs for lunch. Holy crap. I still felt like I could eat a buffalo after it though!
Tests were darker today too. Only slightly, but still progression.