General update

Hey all.

I haven’t updated for almost a month. The month has been relatively okay. I had a full week where I felt nearly fully recovered. Then I had some anxiety and things got a bit patchy, but overall I have most certainly improved. I started taking a herbal supplement called Affect-D, and so far I think it’s really working. It helps calm you, which is great for the anxiety.

Anyway, things haven’t been as bad. Would you believe that a lot has happened in the last month.

  1. I confronted my biological mother and brother about bitching about me and my illness behind my back. Instead of sitting on it and festering ill feelings, I just told them exactly what I thought about them. It was incredibly therapeutic and it was nice to have those feelings voiced. They of course didn’t like it though.
  2. I went back to work! Which was much needed since my bank had over $10,000 worth of debt and a total of $3 in my savings account šŸ˜³ I am only back for Sunday’s and public holidays right now, but I’ll gradually increase my shifts until I’m working 3-4 days per week.
  3. I’ve been alone with Reece now several times and it gives me NO anxiety at all! Yay!
  4. I feel like the bond between Reece and I is really growing. He’s just so cute and his personality is really starting to show
  5. Reece turned 5 months old. Holy shit. Where did that time go right?
  6. I’ve been consistently cooking dinner 3-5 times per week. As well as lots of lunches as well. Cooking is a task that is enjoyable for me but also productive, so I feel good after I’ve done it. Other tasks still overwhelm me right now, like laundry.
  7. My psychologist is happy to move our sessions to every 2 weeks, starting next week. She says I’m improving and don’t need weekly sessions. I made another weekly session for next week and then, if I’m still confident in that decision, I’ll go every fortnight (which will help the bank account greatly considering it’s $220 per session).
  8. Reece saw an ophthalmologist several times to determine if he had a condition. Long story short, he does not have a brain tumour like they suspected, but he does have damaged nerves in his neck from the forceps used during the c section to get him out. This causes his pupils to be two different sizes in the dark as his right pupil doesn’t get the message to dilate.

I can’t think of much else. We are good. The kids are doing well and I’m hanging in there. I’m still not where I want to be but I’m so much better than I was.


Ups and downs

I’ve been pretty quiet on here lately, only updating when I can get a spare moment to do so when I’m feeling up to it.

Things were going pretty well. I obviously wasn’t feeling like my normal self, but the closest I have come to it.

Then came last Thursday. I woke up feeling a bit anxious and wasn’t sure why. I did my relaxation and breathing techniques, did some mindfulness and grounding, and eventually the anxiety faded.

Skip to Friday and it was probably at the same level. I couldn’t quite figure out why all of a sudden I had dropped down the ladder of recovery AGAIN. Over NOTHING.

Then, because I was so anxious I got really defeated and sad. So I was back to a pretty dark place. Not as dark as it has been, but just low. Crying. Anxiety. Constant googling.

Saturday night came and all hell broke loose. My anxiety levels peaked and I was crying and freaking out. I went back to that place of ‘will I ever get better?’ And more catastrophic thinking.

Sunday I tried to pull myself out of the hole and made arrangements to go to the movies with some friends of mine. I was really anxious and they could tell I wasn’t myself. I could tell I wasn’t myself. But the day was good. The movie was fabulous and it got me out of the house. That night I got my period.

I remember people saying that after childbirth your body chemistry changes and you can go from not having PMS symptoms to suddenly having them all. I thought maybe this was the reason for the anxiety?

Then jump to yesterday. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist.

She said ‘Hi Chantelle, how are you doing?’.

And you guys can imagine what happened right? Tears. Sobbing. Ugly crying. Chest heaving. Hyperventilating. Bone deep sadness just erupting from my body.

She calmed me down pretty quickly and asked what had happened. I explained everything. The anxiety. The panic. The period.

So she tried to nut out what happened. We spent an hour going over everything. And let me tell you, there is a reason these psychiatrists are paid the big bucks.

She asked what had changed last weekend compared to other weekends. After some thought, I realised that every weekend for the last 4-5 weeks we have been going to a market in Sunday’s, but this weekend there wasn’t one on.

She asked if not having anything planned makes me anxious. And it does. I know when I’m out and distracted I feel better. And as soon as she pointed this out, it clicked. I was avoiding having down time because that leaves me stuck with, well, me. Me and my thoughts.

I was anxious over having to face reality and instead of dealing with the anxiety, I’ve been shoving it down and keeping busy to avoid it.

She explained that when people get anxious they tend to follow two vicious cycles. Avoidance or reassurance. Both of them make you feel better in the short term, but keep the anxiety going on the long term. Reassurance behaviours consist of things like googling recovery stories of PPD or constantly asking family/doctors if they think you will get better. Sure, you feel fine once you find the answer you want, but then you’ll want more reassurance. So you’ll keep seeking it. Eventually the reassurance runs out and then you are left with nothing but anxiety, which is now doubled because google also shows you the bad answers you really shouldn’t have seen.

I’m guilty of reassurance seeking behaviours.

Avoidance is avoiding places or situations you know will give you anxiety so you don’t have to deal with it. While that’s great in the short term, the longer you avoid something the worse the fear becomes. Plus, you develop new fears. You may start out anxious in a bar, so you stop going to them. But then restaurants have bars, so you avoid them. Then you avoid cafes. And then shops all together. Eventually you’re confined to your home where you can’t avoid yourself. And the anxiety hits.

I’m guilty of avoidance.

So she gave me strategies to help myself. I need to stop avoiding because I need to learn to tackle the anxiety on my own. I can’t run from it. It will just keep the anxiety going longer. I also need to stop seeking reassurance.

To stop these behaviours, I need to create evidence for myself to create reasonable doubt in my mind. For example, I will demonstrate with the fear of never getting better:

  • I know I’m getting better based on the amount of smiley faces have been logged in my mood chart during February compared to the smiley faces in January
  • This month I’ve been able to be alone with Reece several times for several hours, last month (or any of the previous months) that wouldn’t have been an option
  • Even though I have gone ‘downhill’, I haven’t reached that deep, dark only black hole again. And I won’t, because I have already dealt with many issues that aren’t triggers anymore
  • Even though there will be downs, I knew that the recovery process would be up and down, but with overall improvement, and even if it’s a slow process, I’m doing everything in my power to recover
  • Trust my doctors who have told me that everyone recovers from PPD/PPA if they stick to their treatment plan, and so far I have not deviated from that plan once
  • My bond with Reece is growing this month, whereas last month I questioned whether I would ever feel anything for him
  • I have become more competent with household things. A few months back cooking a meal would have been out of the question because it was too overwhelming, but this week alone (during a low week!) I’ve managed to cook 4 dinners and 3 lunches
  • I’m able to meditate now. There was a point where I couldn’t lay down because I felt like the walls were going to close in on me
  • I can tell I’m getting better because I’ve forced myself to socialise more, despite the fact it gives me anxiety and makes me uncomfortable. A few months back just having someone ask if I was okay made me fall apart
  • I’m more present for the kids

There are more but I’ll be here forever listing them.

The point is, I need to create evidence against the things that make me anxious. This is a process and I’m still learning to do it, but today I’ve been feeling better, so let’s see how we go.

Taking a breath

Guys, I feel like I can breathe again. I don’t want to curse or jinx myself by posting this, but the last couple of weeks have been pretty good!

They haven’t been perfect, and there has been A LOT that has happened, but despite all these incidences I have coped very well!

For example, I finally confronted my brother for missing his nieces 2nd birthday, skipping my baby shower and having no interest in Reece what so ever (he hasn’t even met him and he’s 4 months old). That conversation ended up with him blaming me for his mistakes (stupid, right? Because I forced him to miss those events šŸ˜) and having him admit that him and my biological mum have been talking behind my back about this illness and how weak I am etc.

They said a lot of really hurtful things about me. But I shouldn’t be surprised, both of them are very selfish and make everything about themselves. They don’t have a sympathetic bone in their body so I can’t expect them to understand.

Anyway, I confronted my biological mum after that too. Which ended with us cutting each other off (I’m sure she will contact me to see the kids so I don’t know why she wanted to cut ties).

I also had my first night in FOREVER alone with Reece and Scarlett. And it was fine. I implemented by coping strategies and did well. Reece literally slept through the entire thing šŸ˜‚

So after a hectic few weeks, I’m proud of how I’ve pulled through.

The anxiety has eased up which has been amazing. My mood has levelled out completely and I’m almost feeling back to my normal self (well, I guess my normal self with a little anxiety and PTSD from this experience!).

It’s funny how many people I’ve spoken to who have been on antidepressants that I know. I’m so surprised that people keep their use of these drugs so secretive. I’ve never been one to be ashamed of something about myself and this is another part of my life. It was only that I’ve spoke up about it that my friends have been like ‘yes! I took an SSRI too’.

One thing a lot of them have said is that it blunted their emotions. Like, it didn’t make them happy or sad but at a baseline. They found they couldn’t cry while taking them and when they came off them that was the biggest thing they noticed. Well, I haven’t had that. I still can cry, and I did just the other day when I found out about my mum and brother. It was a hurt cry though, not a ‘I’m crying for no reason’ cry. The only thing I’ve really noticed on them is that my eyesight is still blurry and my memory is TERRIBLE.

Reece is going really well. He’s smiling more and giggling. He rolls from his back to front now. He plays with his hands and feet. He’s chatting away! He grabs things and puts them straight into his mouth. He still sleeps through the night. He’s still very calm and happy!

I got his 3 month photos back and I couldn’t be happier with them.

Things have been good. I’m so hoping that I don’t go back downhill again. I have been keeping active and eating better. Taking all my supplements and doing things to push myself.

I did delay going back to work until the second Sunday of March. I really hope going back to work doesn’t send me in a spiral.

Anyway, some comparison photos! 9 days to 3 months. Look at the hair change!!

Still hanging on

Things have improved since last time. THANK GOD.

My mood is MUCH better. I still have ups and downs but right now they aren’t so down.

Last time I updated I had just gotten to 20mg of lexapro. I’ve now been at that dose for two weeks. I’m feeling much better in myself and I’m certainly not crying as much. I still feel slightly overwhelmed sometimes but I’m able to function much more than what I was.

I still have anxiety though. Don’t get me wrong, it is better. I don’t wake up with that crippling panicky feeling and it doesn’t stop me from going out or anything, it’s just like an underlying uncomfortable anxiety. Sometimes it is there and other times it’s not. It’s worse when I’m unoccupied, like if I have a quiet day at home. Probably because I can sit there and analyse my feelings, whereas if I am out I am distracted. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I do notice it when I’m out.

I should note that the anxiety has improved and I’ve stopped all benzos. Simply because I was taking Valium and it wasn’t doing a damn thing. I think my body has become a little resistant to the Valium so it’s not as effective in the doses I was taking it. I didn’t want to increase it because I was taking 10mg per day šŸ˜³

So I just decided to stop it and live without the benzos. It’s not too bad right now. Like I said, the Valium wasn’t doing anything so the anxiety is the same. But the fact that I don’t HAVE to take the benzos indicates improvement.

Certain things do trigger the anxiety, going to bed is a big one lately. I think because I went through a period where it was really hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. It happened right after I got to 20mg of lexapro. So going to bed was anxiety inducing because I never knew if I’d be able to fall asleep or not. After about a week the sleep settled and I was able to fall asleep like I normally would, but the anxiety about going to bed lingered. Being alone still triggers anxiety. Seeing either my psychologist or psychiatrist gives me anxiety because I am scared about what is going to be brought up.

But my mood is better! And I’m so thankful for that. My next psychiatrist appointment is this week. We were going to determine whether I needed to switch medications. She said if I didn’t notice any improvement then we would immediately switch, but if I noticed improvement then she was more inclined to keep me on it. Since I’ve noticed improvement I think she will keep me on it, but I am going to ask her if all my symptoms should be gone.

I was under the impression that antidepressants should get you to ‘remission’ which is all symptoms being gone. And while my mood is MUCH better, the anxiety is still there. Although it is better, it’s not where I want it, which is gone. I guess I want to be back to the person I was before, which was very happy, highly functioning and not anxious at all! Obviously except for certain situations, like if Scarlett ran off in the shops and I couldn’t see her I would get a jolt of anxiety, but that’s normal. Or if I was at work and a patient came in and we almost lost him/her. Again, normal when you think that a patient is about to die.

Anyway, I think the downhill spiral was due to a few things:

  1. my medication not being at a sufficient dose
  2. My psychiatrist and psychologist being on a two week holiday, leaving me feeling completely alone and vulnerable

I am on the up though so it’s reassuring. I know I will get better and I need to focus on that.

I think I’ve realised a few things over these last few weeks. A big trigger for my anxiety seemed to be the thought that I may get depressed again in my future (even though I’ve never been depressed before apart from after the birth of Scarlett) and need medication again.

What I’ve realised is that if that’s the case, then I go back on medication and that’s okay. If I have a problem with how an organ of mine functions and I can utilise medication to fix it, then that’s what I’m going to do. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Depression and anxiety are treatable. I need to remember that.

And also, Kristen bell takes medication every day for depression. I was shocked to learn this because I’ve always looked up to her and admired her for her bubbly personality. She always seemed so happy. It was a shock to learn that she’s suffered from depression from a young age and she combats it with daily medication. It was reassuring to know someone who i admire so much was willing to speak about this and share that she too takes medication. If I do end up with a chronic illness or if it happens again, at least I know I’m not ‘crazy’, I just have an organ that doesn’t function optimally, and I need to take medication to fix it.


So the last time I wrote things had gone downhill again. After a few weeks of feeling good, great in fact, everything nosedived and I was anxious and teary again.

Things haven’t gotten any better. In fact I think things may have gotten worse.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m so lost.

I’m either completely anxious or uncontrollably crying. I cry all the time. I cry when I wake up and I cry in the shower and when I’m getting dressed. I cry watching tv and I cry in the car.

I’m just feeling so hopeless and defeated. I feel like this will never end.

I accepted the need to take antidepressants because I thought they would make me feel better. But here I am, Reece is three months old and I’m feeling back at square one. I can’t really look after him. I don’t want to be left alone with him.

I don’t really like to admit this, but I almost wish that death would just take me because I feel like this is my new reality and I hate it. I can’t look after my kids. I’m a burden to everyone, my mum has to look after me and the kids, while working and taking care of herself. I won’t kill myself, because I don’t want to leave my kids or my mum behind or have them find me dead, but at this point I feel trapped.

I’ve spent the last two weeks increasing my lexapro dose from 10mg to 20mg. I finally got to 20mg yesterday. I’ve been taking Ativan every single day, and I’m fucking terrified that I’m going to become dependent on it.

I just feel like I’m never going to get better. I just want to get better. I want to be me again.

I feel so sorry for my kids and my mum.

My mum is so supportive but doesn’t know what to do.

I try to avoid Scarlett when I’m crying but sometimes I can’t avoid it. She’s so sweet and she says ‘mummy what’s wrong?’. I lie and tell her I’ve hurt my toe and it’s made me sad. She wipes me eyes and says ‘oh silly mummy! You’re okay, you’re okay!’ Then she cuddles me. It warms my heart but at the same time my head says ‘you don’t deserve her, you’re better to leave her with your mum so she has someone stable caring for her’.

And poor Reece. I hardly manage to do anything with him. I give him maybe 2-3 bottles per day, then mum takes over. I talk with him and give him eye contact and smile at him, but it’s so forced. Because all I want to do is cry.

I just, I don’t know how to get better. I don’t know how to fix myself and I’m so scared that this is my new reality. I won’t be able to live in this reality.


Hi all. Been a little while since I last updated.

Things were going good, great in fact. My mood has levelled out and I hadn’t had anxiety in weeks. I was doing so much more with Reece and feeling so much more connected.

Then Tuesday came.

And I crashed. Nose dived straight into a concrete platform.

I couldn’t stop crying again. Anxiety spiked and I ended up needing an Ativan after not needing any for weeks.

I don’t know what caused it, it may have been a variety of factors.

  • Reece started sleeping really bad on the Saturday night, he was up very often during the night and just unsettled, so I didn’t have a good sleep for 4 nights
  • We had SO much going on the weekend prior, lots of events and things for the kids
  • We were trying to finish building a toy box that just wasn’t working out. We ended up hiring someone to fix it, a qualified professional, and he couldn’t even figure out what we were doing wrong! He couldn’t get it going, so $375 later we still had two unfinished toy boxes that the kids won’t be getting for Christmas now
  • I had been anxious about seeing my psychologist the following day because the session we had the week prior really dug up some shit that I didn’t even know was a problem
  • My mum got sick and wasn’t able to do as much

So I don’t know what it was. Maybe a factor of everything. All I know is that now things are really hard again. I am riddled with anxiety but not wanting to take Ativan because I shouldn’t need to take the fucking Ativan to function.

My psychiatrist and psychologist are on holidays for 2 weeks for the Christmas and new year period so I’m on my own. The psychiatrist did suggest that anxiety usually needs a higher dose of lexapro, so I’m thinking of increasing my dose on Boxing Day. Slowly, only 2.5mg at a time. I’m going to go up to 12.5mg for 7 days then 15mg for another 7. Then I’m going to try to get an appointment with the psychiatrist. She had said in the past that I may need to go up to 20mg of the lexapro, so if that has to happen then I guess that’s what needs to happen.

I’m just so over all of this. I’m just so tired. Tired of having to get through the day instead of enjoying it and enjoying my kids. I hate not feeling attached to Reece. Scarlett is the light of my life and I detest that sometimes I could either take or leave Reece. I just feel like that makes me a horrible mum for even thinking that.

Everything is a fight. Getting through the day is a fight. Battling the anxiety is a fight. Shutting off my brain is a fight. Keeping the tears at bay is a fight. Showering is a fight. Smiling is a fight. Doing things for the kids is a fight. Eating is a fight.

And it’s not that I’m suicidal, it’s just that… well, sometimes I think that maybe I’m done fighting.

This shit is hard, so much harder then I ever imagined.

2 months

Reece turned two months old about a week ago. He has been doing very well.

He’s drinking between 6-7 bottles a day. He usually has about 180-260ml per bottle. Sometimes less. He averages just over a litre of formula per day.

About a week ago he started social smiling. It’s still sporadic and it feels like it takes a huge effort to get him to smile. I am really bad with comparing him with Scarlett. Scarlett was smiling consistently at 6 and a half weeks. He was 8 weeks old before his first purposeful smile even appeared! And now we get maybe 5 per day? It improves every day so that’s good.

He’s not really chatting yet. He makes the occasional noise, and of course he sometimes cries and he grunts a lot! But no cooing that I’ve noticed.

He’s sleeping well. Usually he will have a bottle at about 10pm and then sleep through until 4:30. Can’t complain about that. Usually he will stay awake for a while after his 4:30am feed but then go back to sleep after about an hour.

Naps aren’t bad. He usually gets tired about 45 minutes after his bottle then will sleep for a few hours.

He got weighed today, he’s 7.14kg and 62cm tall. They still think he’s gaining too much weight but what can I do? His thyroid has been tested and is fine… so there is literally nothing that can be done to reduce his weight gain. We are just keeping an eye on it for now.

I’ve also noticed over the last month that Reece is getting a flat spot on the side of his head. His right side. The nurse confirmed this today and said that if he still has it at the 4 month check, or if it hasn’t gone away OR has gotten worse, then we will need a referral to a paediatric physio. He may need a helmet, which I really hope isn’t the case. If he does, he will need to wear it 23 hours a day for 2-6 months. It’s just such a big thing.

She recommended lots of tummy time while he’s awake. Also getting him to put his head on the other side while sleeping since he favours his right side. He can move his head, he just chooses not to. So we will flip him in the bed. He favours his right side because he is looking at me on his right. If I flip him so his feet are facing the headboard (rotate him 180 degrees) he will then be looking at me on his left side, which will take the pressure off his right side. I’m going to try this for 2 weeks and see if it helps. If it does, I’m going to switch him every night between his right and left side (because we don’t want to clear up the flat spot on one side only to get one on the other side!).

For naps in his bassinet, she suggested rolling up a towel and putting it under his right side so that he is tilted towards his left side.

Let’s cross our fingers that this works!!

Otherwise he is growing well and doing well in general. Scarlett is doing really well too. She’s talking more every day and getting even more clever. She counts from 1-20 (although ALWAYS misses the number 7 šŸ˜‚), she sings constantly, builds towers and is getting so creative.

She is loving Christmas. We are visiting Santa this weekend and I suspect there will be tears šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚

I am doing better. I’m still not feeling like myself but I’m doing sooooo much better than I was. I don’t have any anxiety for no reason and i couldn’t even tell you when the last time I cried was.

I still don’t feel like myself because I still feel agitated sometimes. Like my fuse is shorter. I feel like my patience is much lower than it was and I don’t have the capacity to deal with things like i used to. I also sometimes just feel, disconnected? Not sad or down per say, just not content or happy. But those moments aren’t always. Usually once per day, sometimes more, sometimes less. I’m still scared to be alone with him but the concept isn’t quite as daunting as it was previously.

I still have small anxiety when Reece cries, but I can’t even tell you how much more I’m able to do with him. The other day I did EVERYTHING for him. The whole day. All his bottles. All his changes. I held him and played with him. Spoke to him and he smiled at me a few times. It was a good day.

I’m also better at handling stressful situations. Take today for example. Mum and I needed to go and get some things at a few different hardware stores. We had to coordinate it around my mums school/kinder pickups which meant we had to leave at 8am. Scarlett and Reece had a rough night last night. Scarlett is sick so she would wake up and cry which woke him up. Of course she would go back to sleep but then he was fussy. Then I would just get him to sleep and she would wake up again.

So I was going on only a few hours of very broken sleep. I was exhausted and did not want to get out of bed when the alarm went off, especially since it had only been 1 and a half hours since Reece had woken for a bottle.

But I got up and got ready. We went out and everything went wrong. The first store didn’t have anything we wanted. The second one had one thing but had to order the other thing. The third one told us on the phone they had the second item we wanted and when we got there they had put aside the wrong thing and the tool sold while we were on our way there.

It was stinking hot! 35 degrees and the car was boiling. Reece is so good in the car but he hates the hot weather, especially in the car seat, so the poor thing was upset and sweating.

Scarlett is sick so need I say more?

Scarlett also decided it would be funny to run off in the hardware store and hide in a shelf. Of course me screaming for her was not only embarrassing, but totally scary because I couldn’t find her. It took a complete stranger to tell me where she had hidden so I could find her. šŸ˜³

Then we finally got home. We had an hour before we needed to be out again. We get Reece out of the car and I’m carrying him up the stairs into the house and bam. He projectile vomits everywhere. It was literally everywhere. My full arm was covered, his clothes were soaked, my feet were saturated, he even had it pooling in his ear.

Instead of freaking out, I went into fix it mode. I got a blanket, placed him on the floor. Went and washed my arm and feet while running a bath for him. I got him fresh clothes and a towel and then undressed him. Bathed him. Dressed him. Then fed him. And I did this without even thinking about it.

It wasn’t until we had left again that I was like ‘holy shit, I just did all that without any anxiety, overwhelming feelings or a meltdown! Yay me!’.

So things are good and getting better. My next appointment with the psychiatrist is this Thursday.

I see my psychologist Wednesday.

I see my acupuncturist Friday.

I see my masseuse Saturday.

I’m doing workouts. I’m eating healthier. I’m taking my medication and my vitamins/supplements. And I’m getting better.

Thank the universe.

How Iā€™m going

So today is the 17th day on 10mg lexapro. The first week was hell, but throughout the second week I noticed improvement. Slowly throughout the day I would notice the anxiety fading and I wasn’t so teary.

By the mid-end of the second week the morning anxiety was gone too.

But I don’t know. I had a small set back on Saturday. My mum had an appointment that I couldn’t go with her to, and she couldn’t take Reece. Which meant that I had to be at home alone with Reece and Scarlett for 3 and a half hours.

Well, I wasn’t alone, my dad was there, but when it comes to calming a fussy baby or caring for him (like giving him a bottle or changing his nappy) my dad is no help and I may as well be on my own.

It was severely anxiety inducing. I got so overwhelmed. And of course, my normally super chill baby was Mr fussy pants and even though he wasn’t inconsolable, he was grunting and crying on and off. I get so overwhelmed on my own and I don’t even know why. This PPD has stripped me of all of my parenting confidence. I don’t even want to hold him when I’m overwhelmed, let alone settle his cries!!!

Anyway, mum was gone for longer than expected then I took Scarlett to a wiggles concert. The anxiety stuck with me all day, but luckily it did ease towards the night. I was so close to taking some Ativan but at this stage I hadn’t had ANY in 3 days, so I didn’t want to slip back.

Then Sunday I woke up for the first time in half a week with morning anxiety. The anxiety went up and down for most of the day. I still refused to take Ativan, although at one point I was so tempted.

Today has been the same. I didn’t wake up with any morning anxiety but I have been anxious on and off all day. For no reason whatsoever.

I don’t really know what to say. This exact same thing happened when I went to 5mg, I felt great for nearly a week, then started to drop again. So my psychiatrist increased it to 10mg. Once I got over the start up side effects, things started to look up. And now it’s like I’ve gone backwards again.

I’ve been on lexapro for over a month now. Only 17 days at 10mg, but you wouldn’t think I would be going backwards again after all this time. I don’t have another appointment with my psychiatrist until next week, so I’ll find out what she wants me to do then. Probably increase the dose, given her recommendation last time.

Ugh. When will this end??

Don’t get me wrong, the anxiety isn’t super super bad when it’s here, but it’s still uncomfortable and I don’t like it. It’s not something I ever dealt with before so I just want it gone.

Reece is 2 months old today. I thought I would be feeling recovered by now. Or at least almost there. But yet here I am, still not able to be alone with him and feeling more anxiety when I should be feeling less!!

I’m doing everything I can to get better though. I’m seeing my psychiatrist and a psychologist. I’m going to acupuncture regularly, I’m reading a book on PPD, I’m meditating, taking supplements, exercising. I’m making an effort with Reece even if it does overwhelm me.

I’m just feeling lost. I’m for sure better than what I was when I started medication. And I’m better than I was after I increased the medication to 10mg. But I’m worse than a few days ago and that worries me.

Am I supposed to feel anxiety after days of having no anxiety at all?

Looking up

So the last you guys heard from me I was still pretty anxious. Things hadn’t really improved and my doctor had switched me to a different benzo.

Today will be the 11th day of taking 10mg of lexapro. I must say, I think I’m starting to get better.

Saturday, before I took the Ativan, I noticed a slight improvement in my anxiety levels in the night. I’m talking after 7:30pm.

Then Sunday, I noticed a dip in anxiety levels from about 5pm.

Monday came and my anxiety started to leave at about 2:30.

Mind you, all these days I still woke up with pretty bad morning anxiety.

But today, when I woke up, I noticed I wasn’t quite so anxious. Then as the day has gone on, I’m noticing that I have very little anxiety. I took 0.75mg Ativan this morning, and it’s now 3:40pm and I haven’t taken any more. And I have no anxiety. Nothing.

My mood is improved, so much so that I even did a Christmas art and craft activity with Scarlett this afternoon. I’m even making dinner tonight.

I’ve given Reece 3 out of his 4 bottles so far today.

I saw my psychiatrist this morning who doesn’t think this improvement is from the lexapro. She says it’s too early to see improvement yet. She thinks the improvement is from the Ativan and the fact I’ve calmed down.

She thinks I’m going to have another 1-2 weeks before we see improvement from the lexapro.

Mind you, I’ve been on lexapro for a month now. Sure, I started at low dose and only been on a therapeutic dose for 11 days. But if im honest, I’ll take any improvement I can get.

I am very tired still. I find I get really tired from about 2pm onwards. It’s been warm here though so that probably has something to do with it.

All in all, today has been a good day guys.

Maybe a dull light?

So today is my 8th day taking 10mg lexapro.

The day started like usual, I was super anxious when I got up. Super groggy from the added Valium. Tired but also wired. Shaking hands and tremors. And teary. Very teary.

But, I had organised last week to go Christmas shopping with my mum today. So I tried to suck it up. It would be a good distraction, right?


See, the thing is, when all you have eaten in three days is 3 dry biscuits and half a banana, you don’t feel great. Add that to the anxiety and the fact we were going out, it just wasn’t a good idea.

We ended up having to leave early. Because I almost had a panic attack and burst into tears in the shopping centre.

So we left but decided to still have a productive day and wrap some Christmas presents. Well, it seems that everything overwhelms me now a days because the Christmas presents were wrapped with me violently sobbing.

It’s almost comical… Christmas presents made me cry.

Anyway, I got a call from my psychiatrist. I told her how I haven’t declined any more but I haven’t gotten any better either.

She decided to quit the Valium. We are moving onto Ativan. Apparently it lasts slightly longer in your system and leaves quicker so you’re not stuck with the yucky side effects like drowsyness or nausea.

So I collected my script.

We had a doctors appointment for Reece tonight. I had anxiety at the doctor just because I was nervous about the results. All is fine so that’s a relief.

Anyway, on the way home I noticed I felt a little less anxious.

Once we got home I managed to eat a little- a ‘chicken fry’ and maybe 8 chips? I did drink a big frozen coke though.

Then I noticed that my anxiety was pretty low. Not gone, but low.

I know that once I sit down after dinner my anxiety peaks though, because I zone out from the tv and wonder if I’m ever going to get better.

I decided to take 0.25mg Ativan to see if I could prevent the anxiety. And guess what? It’s not bad at all. I feel better than I have in maybe two weeks.

I know it’s a short term thing, but it’s promising that I was feeling a little better before I took the tablet.

Again, maybe placebo affect, but it was nice to not feel so miserable for a little while.

I have read that sometimes that can be a sign that the lexapro is starting to work- that you get a small window of relief that slowly grows over time.

Please, please be working.