Today fucking sucks balls. This week sucked. This month sucked.
I’m just, I don’t even know anymore.
This anxiety is getting the best of me. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me anymore.
I was going okay. I was slowly getting better. Some days were horrible but overall I could see progression.
Then I got my period on the 3rd of April. The first day was fine, but on the second day I woke up with panic levels of anxiety. And that sort of continued on. And kept continuing. It slowly calmed down, but it took a good week and a half to really feel a drop in anxiety.
But since then, there has been a low level of anxiety that hasn’t left me. And I almost feel like I’m getting worse.
I mean, I’m not back where I started and that’s great, and I understand that healing from postpartum depression and anxiety isn’t a linear progression and there are ups and downs along the way, but I feel like I’ve dropped down to a point and I’m just not getting back up again.
I don’t know what to do. Everywhere I read tells me this gets better. That PPD/PPA is temporary and treatable with professional help. But I’ve received professional help. I’ve not deviated on my recovery plan once. I’ve gone to every session with my psychologist and I’ve been 100% open and honest. I’ve done the meditation and enlisted the coping strategies. I take my medication and my supplements. I get help and I take breaks.
So why the fuck am I still suffering?
Guys, in a short few weeks Reece is going to be 7 months old.
Do you even know the pain of not feeling like yourself for nearly 7 months? I feel like I’ve lost myself and I’m searching so hard to find the girl I used to be. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of her, but she always manages to get away again.
Most of the time my mum is amazing. She’s supermum and I can’t even begin to explain how amazing she is. But there are other times when she gets tired and frustrated too. When she’s overtired and at the end of her tether. And sometimes she says things that really cut me deep.
Like today. It had been a busy morning and we were going to a birthday party. She had gone to shower and get ready so I was in charge of looking after the kids. Reece was asleep so i painted Scarlett’s nails. Mum showered and cane out while Scarlett and I were eating lunch. Soon after I finished I planned to go shower but Reece woke up. So I played with him for 5 minutes before I asked my mum what she wanted me to do with him so I could go shower. I didn’t know if she wanted me to put him in his bouncer or on his playmat, or if she wanted to hold him.
She started laughing, but a humourless laugh. I asked her what she was laughing at and she said me. I asked why and she said ‘you always time it well don’t you?’.
I asked her to explain and she said ‘you always time your showers just after he wakes up so that I have to look after him’.
I mean, I don’t do it on purpose? I haven’t noticed it and if I have been doing it subconsciously I haven’t meant to. It’s just that I always leave my showers to the last minute to make sure everything else is done and everyone else is ready, since I can get ready the quickest.
But her comment cut deep. I interpreted it as she has observed I’m not spending enough time with the kids and that I go to all lengths to avoid them. Conclusion? She thinks I’m a bad mum.
Then we were st this birthday party. I didn’t want to be there but I went out of respect (I already said I would go so I couldn’t just pull out of it at the last minute). Anyway, I was uncomfortable and anxious (as always lately), and I wanted to leave quickly. But I sat there and pretended to be happy. After the cake was cut my mum brought over a piece of birthday cake for Scarlett. But mum handed it to me. I asked her if there was a spoon and she said there were no spoons left.
My mum is a real clean freak and hates picking up food with her fingers. So icing? Nope.
So I laughed and said ‘oh, there’s no spoons so you gave it to me so I would have to get the icing on me! Good one mum!’.
And then she turned around and said ‘no, I gave you the cake so you could have at least some interaction with your child’.
And she may as well have gutted me right there.
Because I thought I was doing really well. Scarlett and I had a dance battle this morning. We played and did some karaoke. Then this afternoon we painted her nails, got her ready and had some lunch together. At the party I played on the playground with her for half an hour (it would have been longer if we werent called back for food), and we went for a walk around the lake to see the ducks.
I mean, I know I’m not a great mum. I’ll never be a perfect mum and I resent that about myself but I try. Despite my anxiety and the constant battle with my head, I try.
But that comment made me feel about 1 inch tall. Because despite my best efforts, I’m obviously still not enough. I’m not a good enough mum for my kids. I can’t give them everything they want and need.
And it brought out scary thoughts. Thoughts like maybe I shouldn’t be here. Thoughts that maybe they would be better off with my mum… without me. That maybe I had infertility problems because I wasn’t meant to have kids. That maybe I’m not cut out for this and I should quit while I’m behind.
And im not suicidal, I just feel worthless. I sort of feel hopeless.
I don’t know if I can fight this anxiety forever. I don’t know if it’s a battle I’m going to win. I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting.
I just want this to be over.
Does it get better? At I the exception to the rule? Are they lying when they say PPA is temporary and treatable? Because I don’t know if I would class 7 months as temporary.