Today has been tough.
Nothing too dramatic happened in the morning, just that nothing went the way I planned and everything took twice as long to do.
By the time the afternoon rolled around, I was tired. Really tired.
But Reece has had two teeth pop through over the last week and it looks like a molar is about to come through. He’s also going through a wonder week leap, so he’s been a bit cranky.
I am feeling like such a selfish person. For the last two months Reece has rolled from his back to his stomach but he can’t roll from his stomach to his back.
So I’ll have to stop what I’m doing to roll him back. Most times, he immediately rolls back over to his stomach. It’s fine the first few times, but after literally turning him 30 times in 50 minutes, I was at the end of my tether tonight. Then he was tired, so I put him down for a nap. He napped for 10 minutes, refused to go back to sleep and was sooky for the next two hours.
Then bedtime came and Scarlett decided she wanted to sleep with her nana. I told her no, that nana had to be up at 4:30am and then no one could watch her, plus nanas bed doesn’t have bed rails. And she lost it. Screamed.
She literally cried so much she vomited. Everywhere. Twice.
So then at 11pm I had to bath her. And after her bath, she cried because she was tired.
And vomited again.
So another fucking bath.
Then we finally get into bed and Reece wakes up crying.
And then I just fucking lost it. I cried for so many things. It sounds stupid but I feel betrayed that Scarlett wanted to sleep with her nana. I feel like she should want to sleep with me always. It’s our thing. The only thing we really have that’s just us, and always been just us.
I cried because I’m not better and I feel extra sensitive. I cried because I felt bad that everyone else had to help clean vomit. I’m sad that simple things like managing everyday life is overwhelming. I can’t help but think about what I will do if my mum dies.
But, my logical brain stepped in. After I stopped crying my logical Brain said ‘but chantelle, a lot of people would feel overwhelmed in your situation’. I figured that I had a big day and nothing worked out. Everyone would be stressed with the day I just had and all the obstacles I had to jump through just to get to bed.
I’m tired and I’m cranky AND to top it off, I’m still recovering from a postpartum mood disorder. Of course a day like today would get to me.
But my logical brain said something else, it said ‘it’s just a bad day, it’s not a relapse and tomorrow is a new day’.
And that, my friends, shows how far I’ve come in recovery.