So after my last (completely depressing!) post, I’m feeling much better. My Australian followers and friends will know that I actually posted it at about 4am. I woke up that morning at about 2:30am and couldn’t seem to get back to sleep. Obviously when you are tossing and turning you have no other distractions from your thoughts, so I was just simmering in sadness.
The reality is that yes, all those things I said were true. Sometimes I do feel like I have no support, that this journey is hopeless and that I’m never going to have a child. The fact is, I don’t know what the future holds. Who knows, I might try another two cycles of IVF, have them fail, then meet the guy of my dreams the next day. I don’t know what the universe has in store for me, so I may as well not get down about it and just go with the flow. The extra stress isn’t helping me, that’s for sure.
Don’t get me wrong, I was pretty much in tears writing the post, then I had a really, really good cry after I put my phone down. Sometimes you just have to let it out. My mum came in at about 6am asking what was wrong. I tried to explain it but she didn’t really understand and just told me I was being silly. That just made me cry harder. BUT! After I finished crying, I felt infinitely better. Like a weight was lifted.
I think it was a build up of a lot of things. I have been questioning what I want to do with my life. My number one priority right now is to have a child. Then my priority will be to raise it. I plan on taking a year off of Uni in order to be with him/her for the first year, then go back and finish my studies at Uni. Then go work. Problem being, I’m just not sure being a nurse will push me to leave my child each day and WANT to go out and work. I know that sounds ridiculous, but the only way I can see myself being comfortable leaving my child with a carer (granted, the carer is my mum, but still..) is if I’m going to a job that I’m absolutely in love with. Yes, I enjoy nursing, but I have a passion for midwifery. Problem being that most of the courses for midwifery are double degrees in nursing/midwifery and super hard to get accepted into. Plus, it’s hard to break into the midwifery career circle once you have your degree. At least if you have the back up of nursing, you can fall back and work in a maternity ward or something until you can find a job. Problem is… It’s so much more work. More time. And in the end, I’m going to want to work as a midwife, not a nurse. My mum has given me the stern talking about it. She is adamant that if I’m going to transfer courses, I should be transferring into a double degree because I won’t be able to get a job in midwifery. I really don’t know what to do. I see the logic in doing both, and considering it’s only an extra year, it probably would be worth it. But in the long run, it’s so much more than that. I would have to graduate, and do a graduate year in nursing, then do a graduate year in midwifery before I could even get a proper job. That’s 6 years!! Considering I’ve already been studying for 3, it just seems like too long. I just want to be happy, and I know it’s my life, but my mums judgement has a bigger influence on my life than I would like. I’m just confused really.
But! Back on track with baby making business. Something really weird happened yesterday that was a tad gross. If you don’t want to read about tmi business, I suggest you stop reading now.
Well, for those of you that have ever used crinone gel, you know how you put it up there, then maybe a few hours later, or the next day, it will come out on the toilet paper in a thick, drier glue sort of consistency? Well, I haven’t used crinone for well over a month. Yesterday morning I woke up and seemed to be somewhat itchy down there. I didn’t think much of it, I thought maybe I was getting an infection or something and I would have to monitor it closely. Well, I got up, showered, went to the toilet and everything was fine. A few hours later the itch was getting worse (thank god I was at home studying for the day, I couldn’t imagine how uncomfortable I would have been if I was out!), to the point where I was about to call the doctor to make an appointment to get it checked out. I decided to go to the toilet one last time before I rang and when I wiped, it was like a small chunk of blood stained crinone came out. Probably no bigger than a 5 cent piece, and if was mixed with what looked like old, brown blood, but it freaked me out. Could that really have been stuck in there all month? Oddly enough, after that toilet visit, the itching stopped completely! I have no idea what to make out of this experience. I was excited because I thought good old aunt flow was on her way but nope, nothing since then!
Talk soon! X
YoungIVFerChantelle 