So the day started out fabulously. I woke up before my alarm feeling super refreshed. I made plans with my two best friends to meet for dinner, then discovered that Maleficent (the movie) came out today! It’s tradition at our dinners to watch a movie so I decided to go out and get that for our viewing.
I knew AF could come any day now but I haven’t been having ANY of the signs that I have had for the last four cycles. No cramps. No sore boobs. No headaches or bone aches. No fatigue. Nothing.
Anyway, at dinner my friends were, of course, being super attentive and asking how everything was going with me. I told them that I was waiting for my period to come and that it could be any day now considering I took the Provera tablets, but that I suspected it to come later rather than sooner given my track record, and the fact that I’ve had no symptoms.
My friends and I have a very close relationship. I like to think that these two are ‘true friends’ in every sense of the word. We don’t take each other’s shit, if one of us is talking crap, we let them know about it. If I tried on a dress, they aren’t the type of friends to say ‘it looks good’ if they didn’t like it. They would tell me it made my arse look huge, or that it makes my calfs look like tree trunks. I know it sounds terrible, but I love their honesty with me. So tonight, just after dinner, they sat me down and asked how confident I was next cycle was going to work. I told them that I was rather confident, that I had high hopes and was praying for a miracle. They told me that while it’s good to have that mind set, to also set myself up for failure. They didn’t say it in a bad way, they just explained that there is a possibility that it may not work and that they didn’t want to see me fall to pieces, even though if I did, that they would both be there.
I brushed it off and said that I realise it may not work and we got on to watching our movie.
After having a great night of home made pizzas, snack junk food, a great movie and even better laughs, I left their house at about 11:20pm. When I got home at 11:30pm, I went to my room so I could change into pjs for bed and I realise my undies were a bit wet. (Tmi, I know). I figured that maybe I just had some discharge or something so I went to the toilet a little while later and that’s when I saw it. A small patch of blood.
At that moment, I did two things, I thought, ‘holy shit, this is happening’ then my heart sank and I thought, ‘holy shit, this is happening‘. Suddenly all I could think about was ‘what if it doesn’t work?’ And ‘where will I get the money for a third cycle?’.
I burst into tears. It was such a mix of emotions. On one hand, I was thinking, ‘I could have a baby in my belly in four to five weeks time’, and on the other hand I was like ‘but I also may not’.
After having a cry for about ten minutes, I decided to let it go. This is happening whether I’m ready or not. I’m so so so unbelievably ready for a BFP, but I’m so not prepared for a negative. This cycle has to work, there is no other options. We have done so many different things in preparation for this cycle so I am feeling like this is it. This will be the one.
I will go down tomorrow and pick up my medication, which I will start on Saturday (day 3) and begin this new cycle. Crossing my fingers and toes for myself.
Talk soon! X
YoungIVFerChantelle 