Feeling better…

As the title of this post suggests, I have been feeling a little better lately. Last week I had my first appointment with a psychologist who I hadn’t seen before. He was actually really nice.

The session went for an hour and actually, majority of it was spent with him talking. At the start I outlined my issues, and I tell you, it was so difficult to keep the tears at bay. I didn’t want to cry in front of him because I didn’t want to embarrass myself (I ugly cry all the time), plus, I didn’t want him thinking I’m worse off than I actually am and try to put me on really strong medications or something.

Even though he spent a lot of time talking, it was mostly analysing what I had said. I didn’t mention any previous problems I have had (my anxiety), but within about half an hour he told me he suspected I had an anxiety disorder before all this happened. I told him at that point that yes, I did, and he just smiled because he obviously knew he got it right.

He told me that he wanted me to get down to the one emotion that is ‘overwhelming’ me and tell him what it is. Before he did that, he wrote on a piece of paper and folded it. I thought about it, and I told him guilt is the big emotion that’s really hurting me.

I feel guilty for feeling this way, I feel guilty for sometimes not wanting her (even if it’s just not wanting to be around her- let me just be clear here that I have never thought about giving her up, sometimes I just want to be away from her), I feel guilty for failing as a mum, I feel guilty for (maybe) doing all this before I was truely ready to be a mum, I feel guilty that Scarlett won’t have a dad, I feel guilty that I’ve lumped my parents with extra responsibilities, I feel guilty that I don’t know what to do with her when she’s awake, I feel guilty for feeling scared, I feel guilty for feeling like I can’t do it. I could continue but then it would be a post of me babbling about my guilt. But ultimately, I do feel that the crux of my problems relate to guilt over my other feelings.

He opened the paper and the word he had written down was guilt.

He explained a lot of things to me that actually made me feel better. He told me that post pardum depression is very common and not something I should be worried about- especially since it does go away 90% of the time. He told me that depression in itself makes you feel guilty and that 90% of his patients with depression feel guilty about everything, beat themselves up, then it makes it worse. He told me that PPD is more common if you’ve have anxiety or depression before. He said that it is more common in mothers who had a traumatic birth which resulted in a longer recovery period. He said it’s more common in mothers who had been separated from their children within 2 hours of birth (I was taken to theatre an hour after I had Scarlett). He told me it’s more common in younger mothers like myself. He also said it’s more common in mothers who had spent a long time TTC or had to use ‘other’ methods of becoming pregnant, like IVF. 

All these things made me realise that with all these factors, I had a really high chance of developing PPD. I also realised that I shouldn’t be ashamed of my feelings- simply because I can’t help the way I feel. 

Since then, I feel like things have gotten better. I told him that I had anxiety about leaving the house with Scarlett without my mum, and he thinks that I’m relying on my mum too much because of my PPD. I still haven’t gone out, but I’ve made plans to visit my best friends house with Scarlett in two days. It’s only ten minutes by car and she is happy for me to leave whenever I am comfortable. I think when I see her, I’m going to tell her about my PPD. I think I need everyone in my corner to fully kick this.

I have my days. Sometimes I feel really overwhelmed, and other days I feel really optimistic. I’m beginning to believe I have post pardum bipolar (if that’s a thing?), because my mood can go up and down like crazy. 

I think I’m bonding with Scarlett a little more now. I still don’t think I care about her as much as I should. Being completely honest with you, when the Psycholgist told me he thinks I rely on my mum too much, he said to me ‘if I asked you to pick between your mum and Scarlett, who would you pick?’. It wasn’t that he asked me ‘if one of them was dying and you could save one, who would you pick?’, but that’s how I sort of interpreted it. And you know what? In my head, I said ‘my mum’. I didn’t answer him. I just averted my eyes and he wrote something down, then he said ‘we are going to fix this Chantelle. Don’t worry’. Which is how I know I still have a problem.

But things are getting better. I have another session with him next week, hopefully I’ll be feeling even better by then. He didn’t put me on any meds for the same reason the doctor said- it could make me worse. So for now we are trying diet, exercise, and positive thoughts to help me out.

Talk soon! X

(P.S some photos of Scarlett to update you all 😊)