Today was much like yesterday in a lot of ways.
I had increased anxiety all day- it’s controlled by the Valium but if I don’t take Valium it’s just terrible. Even sometimes with the Valium it’s uncomfortable. Although, if I compare it to yesterday, maybe it’s not quite as bad? Let’s put it this way, at no point today did I reach levels of panic, whereas yesterday it happened twice. Although, today I took Valium WITH my lexapro at 5:30 then I went back to sleep. The first sign of panic yesterday appeared about an hour after I took the lexapro, so maybe the extra sleep helped to disguise it (perhaps I slept right through it?) or maybe the Valium helped to suppress the panic? Either way, the anxiety has been bad but did not get to panic levels like yesterday, so maybe we can call it a slight improvement.
I feel like my emotions are back to all over the place and mostly geared negatively. I feel hopeless again. I haven’t felt hopeless in a good while. I feel like this Illness will never end.
I feel like I’ve regressed. My logical brain has gone out the window and I’m back to not handling things very well again. I’m hardly able to be around Reece because it sparks the anxiety.
I just want to feel better.
I guess I don’t help myself either. When I get into these anxious, hopeless episodes I find myself googling everything. The two main things I’ve been googling is ‘how long were you on lexapro before you stopped taking it’ and ‘when will the increased anxiety from lexapro go away’.
Again, I’m not helping myself. I think that 80% of the forums or articles I found wound up with people taking it permanently or getting off of it, then needing it permanently for another episode later in their life. This is where my hopelessness gets worse, because I just want to be happy without these meds. I was happy without medication before Reece came along. I’ve never needed antidepressants before. So why do so many people end up on these drugs permanently?
In terms of the increased anxiety, it’s a mixed bag. Some people got over it quickly, others it took a long time. Some people never got over it and had to switch meds which led them to a whole range of other side effects.
I feel like I can’t win and I’m feeling stuck in a hole. It’s just horrible. This illness is horrible.
My mum is awesome though. Seriously, she is my rock, my whole world. I would not have survived this without her. Yesterday and today she just picked up the pieces. She made sure Reece was bathed and fed and changed. She did almost everything for Scarlett, like cutting up her fruit and dressing her for the day. I did manage to bath Scarlett today which was really nice. I was proud that I at least accomplished one thing for the day.
Whenever I was overwhelmed or crying mum would comfort me. Tell me that this will all be okay and that this time in a week I’ll be feeling better than what I am today. She deserves a medal. No, she deserves a fucking island. I can’t even express to her, or to anyone how utterly appreciative I am to have my mum. Some people take their parents for granted but I never have. And this experience has cemented what I already knew- I am the luckiest fucking person around to have someone as amazing and selfless as my mum.
And now I’m fucking crying again.
I just want to feel better. I want to feel back to my normal self and I want it to happen, like, yesterday.
I know this illness takes time to pass but I’m doing everything they recommend. I am going out, I am getting fresh air and sunlight. I am doing (light) exercise. I am taking time out for me (acupuncture once a fortnight, psychiatrist once a week, psychologist once a fortnight, and one exclusive, non-mental health based thing every fortnight like a massage or the movies). I am taking my medication. I am seeing my mental health professionals. I am taking my vitamins religiously. I am pushing myself to do things for Reece and forcing myself to be more involved and active in his care, even if it feels overwhelming. I am talking about my illness and being very open and honest about my feelings. I am meditating and practicing mindfulness and doing my breathing exercises. I have been doing aromatherapy. I have been eating at least 3 meals a day, and mostly healthy food too! I am trying to eliminate the negative thoughts. I have been educating myself on this illness and reading everything I can about it.
I am doing all these things, so why aren’t I feeling better?
Anyway, some other symptoms for today included on and off headaches- nothing major though, and very fleeting. They appeared just as quickly as they left.
Tiredness. Lethargy. Blurry eyes. Shaking arms and hands. Twitching. All things I can handle and can put up with.
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.