So today I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist. She was awesome and very nice.

Basically because this was the first session it was just a lot of taking down past information.

How my pregnancies went. How my deliveries went. Who is in my family. Who has any mental health issues in my family. My childhood. How I felt post partum. When this started with Scarlett. When this started with Reece. What medication I take. How I feel on medication.

There was more questions but this was the basis of our conversation. I was there a full hour and it basically consisted of her asking me questions and me answering them to the best of my ability.

We didn’t have much talking from her. At the end she said she had more questions for me but we didn’t have time to go through them. She wanted to go over a few things.

She said that from the history I gave her, she thinks I definitely have postpartum depression and anxiety. She said the unfortunate thing is when anxiety is mixed into the depression, it’s all much harder to treat and get rid of. She usually has people on medication for two years.

Two motherfucking years.


I think she seen the little freak out I had and she assured me that I may only need to be on the medications for a year, but she wouldn’t want to take me off the medication before then.

Honestly, this disappointed me. I was hoping to only need them for a maximum of like, 6-12 months. Like, 12 months being the absolute longest I would have to be on them. Not 12-24 months. That’s forever.

I asked her if this condition was a condition that allows people to come off the medication. She told me that yes, usually people are able to come off the medication. She said that about 70% of people are able to come off the meds without issues, and about 30% of people have to continue them.

She said that she doesn’t think that I’m going to have to be on medication for life. Thank god. And that made me feel better.

She said that since this is my first time ever needing medication, I have a much better chance of being able to come off of it. She said that now it’s imperative to get me into remission as soon as we can because that will determine when I’m able to come off the medication.

She’s happy that I had such an early response to the medication. But because I have anxiety issues and am still experiencing ups and downs, she thinks I need a higher dose. So she wants me on 10mg. I’m going to titrate up slowly again though, so tomorrow I will start 7.5mg and stay on that for 4 days before I go up to 10mg.

Hopefully 10mg is enough to fix this.

My question now is (and of course I only thought of this question on the way home so I couldn’t even ask her!), what is remission?

Is remission where I’m stable in my mood? Is remission when I’m feeling back to my normal self?

I can’t imagine remission is going to happen anytime soon, medication or not, because Reece still overwhelms me. His needs are so high right now that I don’t know how to feel like my normal self. Even if I may feel like my normal self emotionally, I’m sure I’m still going to feel overwhelmed until he gets a little older and his needs lessen. That sounds terrible, but it’s true. He is highly demanding right now and that overwhelms me.

Anyway, I’m excited to increase my medication in a way. I’m excited that I may feel a bit like my normal self and that makes me happy. I’ll keep you updated about how I go!


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