Today started off well. I got up and took my lexapro WITHOUT any Valium. I decided that I hadn’t felt anxious in the days prior so I would try it without the Valium today.
It started off really well. But in retrospect, maybe it was a mistake because I knew my mum had a meeting tonight. I knew that I had to stay at home on my own (with Scarlett, mum was taking Reece so it was just me and her).
As the day went on I noticed myself getting nervous. I don’t want to say anxious because it wasn’t at that level yet, but certainly nervous.
It rolled around to about 5 o’clock and the anxiety hit. I didn’t want to take Valium- I don’t want to have to rely on it so I tried the techniques that the psychologist taught me. Breathing. Sucking on ice. The 5-4-3-2-1 method. Distractions. Music. Meditation. Maybe I felt a little calmer after all of them…
Then dinner time came. I had half an hour until mum was due to leave. And I lost it. Half way through eating I started sobbing. Like, not just small sniffles. Big, horrendous ugly crying sobs.
How frustrating, given that I had nothing to be anxious over. Mum was taking Reece. I’ve been alone with Scarlett 1000 times before. So why was I so anxious?
Mum ended up not going to her meeting. She called and cancelled, telling everyone that I wasn’t coping and needed her, which I did.
So day 3 has been tough.
In saying that, I’m on day 3. Of course I can’t be expecting big results yet. I’m just so frustrated that I want results now. Realistically, I’ve only got about another 11 days before I should start to see results. The wait is so long though.
But on the bright side. I’ve given Reece 5 of his 7 bottles today. I’ve changed his nappy twice. I’ve dressed him. I’ve cuddled him and smiled at him. So I think overall, we can call today a success.