In the eye of the storm

I’m really not great right now.

Today I cancelled Scarlett dance classes for the rest of the term. I’m not in the head space to cope with taking her there or to her concert at the end of the term.

And I feel fucking terrible. The poor thing. She has had to go through so much. Her mum goes away for two days (to the hospital) and she only sees her during the day. She has to sleep with her nana despite begging to be taken back to her mum.

Then I come home with a baby. That baby gets a lot of attention that she used to get. 

She has to put up with ‘her people’ not being as available to her anymore. She has to put up with crying (from both her brother and me, moreso from me) and feeding and changes to her routine.

I had already cancelled her music class knowing there was no way I would make it there at 9am in the morning with a newborn.

So no music class. Then I cancelled her dance class. The poor thing has been left with no extra curricular activities for a whole term. And she was so excited for her dance class.

Because here’s me, not even coping with daily tasks.

Today I have not held Reece once. It’s 2:40 and I have looked at him and seen my mum care for him, but not held him once because I just don’t feel like I have the mental strength for it.

I feel so fucking guilty all the time.

I feel cascaded by anxiety and depressive thoughts. 

Every time Reece cries I feel like I can’t breath.

I feel like I’m in a stormy ocean. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I’m fighting so hard to get to the top, and sometimes I do. Sometimes I’m able to take a big deep breath and get that relief, but then once I do I’m covered by a huge wave and pushed back under again.

And I can’t breath again. Sometimes over specific things- realising I had to take Scarlett to dance class in 4 days sent me over the edge, but sometimes for no reason at all, other than feeling like I’m not coping or feeling guilty for how much work my mum is having to do.

I see my psychologist again on Tuesday and I just don’t know what to do. I want to make it to a month post partum and see how I’m feeling. Because I remember feeling marginally better by the time Scarlett was one month old.

If I’m feeling better by one month I’m confident I am able to make it all the way through to a full recovery without medication. But if not, I think I’m going to need them. 

Because I can’t go on feeling like this. This is a horrible way of life and I don’t know how long I can put up with it.

Not in a suicidal way- I would never leave my family like that, but moreso in a ‘I’m eventually going to lose my shit so bad I’m going to wind up in an psych ward needing 24/7 care’ kind of way.

I’m only a week and a half post partum… actually nearly 2 weeks, so maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit. How long do hormones/chemicals take to rebalance themselves after birth? When should I expect to feel relief if I’m going without medication?

Because so far, it seems my doctor and Psycholgist are both against the medications. I mean, they have a lot more experience than I do, but they also aren’t feeling like I am. My doctor gave me the deadline of one month.

If I don’t feel better by one month, I’ll go on medication.

But will I be this bad for a whole month? Will I literally go through days of not even wanting to hold my own baby for a whole month? And then more time until the medications work, IF they work?

I’m having no trouble sleeping. I literally am dead asleep by the time my head hits the pillow. 

But I’m tired constantly. Even after an amazing sleep.

I’m struggling to eat one meal a day. To the point that I’ve already lost all the pregnancy weight, plus more. As of today I’m 12kg down. My mum forces me to eat sometimes. She will deliver me a banana and stand there until I eat it all. I just have no appetite.

I feel teary and sad.

I feel anxious above anything else.

Whyyyyy can’t this just be easy?!

And you know the worst part? Yesterday I felt pretty good. Better than I have in a long time. I thought I was starting to kick this thing. Then today hits and I feel worse than I have in a long time. I just can’t cope like this. It seriously feels like I’m drowning.


3 thoughts on “In the eye of the storm

  1. Oh hun, hang in there. Remember it will get better. Don’t feel guilty. The guilt too will pass. You are an amazing mum to two beautiful children. You’re just going through a rough time. You JUST had a baby. Your hormones are all out of whack and life has changed so much. Bringing a new person into this world is not easy! Hang in there. Everything will sort itself out soon. Xo


  2. Oh Hun. I’ve been thinking of you, wanting to give you a great big hug and say it’ll all be ok xxx.
    Don’t feel guilty, you’re a great mum – and Scarlett knows you’re a great mum. Things will come right, maybe not now, or tomorrow – or even next week. But they will one day, and that’s what we have to look for in things like this. That “one day” things will be ok. And it makes all the shitty days much easier


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