Hormones are a bitch. Seriously, I feel on the verge of tears 23 out of 24 hours a day. Okay, that’s obviously exaggerating, but anything sets me off and I’m a crying mess!!
Today I was at work and we had to put a really good clients cat to sleep. The cat was so brave, and our client was holding it together until after the cat passed away and he just lost it. I followed after him in silent tears. Then he asked me to take a photo of him and his deceased cat. I did it and afterwards he thanked me. He then turned to his cat and said ‘I loved this little cat. I cherished him with all I have. You never know when you will switch from being a something to someone, to just being someone’s memory. And you will be one of the best memories I have’.
Well I fucking lost it. I lost it again while writing this just now. I was sobbing and I had to excuse myself from the room because I couldn’t pull my shit together.
And just other small things make me cry. Like today, Scarlett got up onto a chair and decided to stand on it. I quickly yelled to her to sit down and it startled her so much that she toppled off. Luckily I caught her, but then I felt so bad because I had nearly sent her to her death bed.
Speaking of, I had another dream a few nights ago. I woke up from it at 1:30am and didn’t go back to sleep. I couldn’t.
Basically, it was a weird dream because I knew I was dreaming, and I was consciously commenting on the dream in my head, but I couldn’t wake up. It was almost like I was watching a movie in my head. I had no idea what was coming next and it was shocking.
It started out that I was holding Reece. I think he would have been about 3-4 months old by the look of him. I mean, I couldn’t see his face but he wasn’t a newborn. I was walking around with him and it appeared as though I was pacing and wandering through my house.
I consciously wondered if I was looking for someone or if I was confused.
Then I noticed that in the dream I was crying. Silent, hysterical tears.
Suddenly I find my mum in the lounge and I tell her that I can’t do this anymore. I need to find out how she died.
My mum looks at me and tells me that it’s been too long and they won’t be able to tell after all this time.
I tell her that they have to because I need to find out. That I can’t live like this any longer and that I feel completely broken inside.
My mum just shook her head and said she’s sorry, she will look it up but she doesn’t think a service exists like the one I’m asking for.
Then I start screaming ‘I NEED TO KNOW. WHY WONT YOU HELP ME? JUST TELL ME HOW SHE DIED’
Of course, my conscious thoughts are ‘who? Who died?’
Then I see myself scream ‘I NEED TO KNOW HOW SCARLETT DIED. MY BABY IS GONE AND I NEED TO KNOW’.
My conscious thoughts are screaming at me saying NO NO WAKE UP I DONT WANT TO LIVE THIS NO NO TIME TO WAKE THE FUCK UP
And then I did wake up. But far out, I don’t think I’ve ever been that traumatised over a dream. My dream about the stillbirth a few weeks ago was traumatising and I thought that was bad. This was horrible. And maybe even made worse because I was watching it play out, almost like a vision or something.
And it has scared me. It’s not something I’ve ever considered, having to live without Scarlett. And I can confidently say that I don’t ever want to. That dream was just… horrifying.
And when I told my mum about it and expressed my worst fears that it wasn’t just a dream but a vision, she just sort of blew it off as ridiculous. I know in my logical brain how crazy it sounds, but of course crazier things have happened before and it’s all just a bit overwhelming. Then add in the hormones and it’s a party over here!
Anyway, I feel Reece kick a lot now. He has his quiet days every now and then (just like Scarlett) and then other times he goes to town with kicking. I love the kicking!!!
My weight has been pretty stable over the last 6 weeks or so. I haven’t gained but I haven’t lost either. I’m sure that will change as we progress more!
I have my second attempt at an anatomy scan in 2 days! Hopefully he cooperates a bit more this time.
I have a comparison of my belly, from week 4 to last week (week 22).
I’m starting to feel uncomfortable already, which I guess isn’t any wonder given that belly! I’m also measuring 3 weeks ahead in fundal height (which isn’t always the most accurate thing in plus size gals anyway).
I’ve been feeling good. Maybe a little less hungry this past week, to the point where I am forgetting to eat. My problem is that I’m still having trouble eating the vast majority of everything!
I’m not sure if he already said this, but in terms of food, Scarlett’s pregnancy and this pregnancy have been like day and night. With Scarlett there were certain things that I just couldn’t bring myself to eat (like sausages, mixed lettuce and spinach), but I could eat most other things fine and they tasted normal.
This pregnancy, there is nothing that I specifically can’t bring myself to eat, I just don’t want anything unless it’s fatty or takeaway food. If my mum suggests something and it’s not fatty or not good for me, I just feel physically sick thinking about eating it.
Once I eat it I’m usually fine, but sometimes after eating something ‘healthy’ I’ll feel sick.
Like the other day, I was late to work to I skipped breakfast, found out someone had eaten my museli bar that I left at work, skipped lunch because I forgot about it, then had a huge craving for a cheeseburger. Because I hadn’t eaten, I was like ‘fuck it, I’ll just have a cheeseburger for dinner’.
When I got home I found that my mum had marinated chicken breast, mashed potato and green beans all prepared to cook for dinner.
Let me add, this is normally a meal I would die to eat!! She makes the marinade and it’s delicious.
But that night, the thought of eating it actually made me feel sick. I ended up eating it, and although everything tastes different and not as great as pre pregnancy, I appreciated her making me a home made meal.
However, probably 10 minutes after I just felt sick to my stomach. I felt sick all that night. Then the next morning all I wanted was a cheeseburger. So for lunch I drove and got one, and suddenly my sickness had vanished.
I swear my cholesterol is going to rise so much. I can’t even tell you how much fast food I’ve had in the last 2 months… I would safely admit to eating takeaway of some sort (mostly cheeseburgers 😂) twice a week for the last 2 months. Oops!
Otherwise things are good. I’ve started using my pregnancy pillow. Oh! I also ordered a super king size bed for when Reece gets here, so we all have room to sleep in the same bed.
I’ll post a few pictures after my ultrasound in 2 days. Cross your fingers that I get a nice ultrasound tech this time!