Hi all! I thought I would share the dream I had last night as it is still really freaking me out, and maybe writing it down and accepting it was ONLY a dream may help ease my anxiety?
Anyway, my dream started with me dropping Scarlett off to my mum for an overnight visit. I was going to stay with my Aunty and her family for the night as they needed my help with something (don’t even know what it was!).
I went to my aunts house and I did what I needed to do, then I went to sleep. When I woke up (in the dream still) I got up to shower, which is something I always do.
So I got in the shower and I’m washing myself, when suddenly I look at the floor and there is blood everywhere. I told myself not to freak out, and that this is likely the SCH rearing its ugly head again.
That was until I started washing in between my legs, and felt a foot.
I pushed and my baby boy popped out. In my dream I was exactly 22 weeks, so of course I was freaking out. I don’t even know if freaking out is the word, I was a mix between freaking out/hysterical/devastated.
I quickly got out of the shower and noticed he wasn’t breathing. I ran out of the shower (yes, still naked) and into where my aunt and her family were. I screamed “he’s here! He’s not breathing! Help me! Help him! I need help!”
In my dream my Aunty looked at me and said ‘Chantelle, he’s not breathing and he’s turning blue, he’s dead darl. He’s a stillbirth’.
And so many emotions ran through my mind.
No, I am having an October baby- well not anymore.
Please breathe, please.
Scarlett won’t even know she had a brother.
I need a camera to take a photo of him before they take him away.
I do have another embryo in storage, but I want him.
I don’t want to do this again.
What do I do with all the clothes?
And so, I put a dressing gown on, I put him on my chest and I walked myself to hospital. Except, I couldn’t find the fucking hospital.
And suddenly I feel him move, he has pinked up and is now breathing. But I know I’m not out of the danger zone yet. He’s 2 weeks off of viability, he can’t survive. Eventually, after lots of different help, I found this hospital and handed him over. They quickly took him away in an incubator and left me standing there not knowing what to do.
Then it hit me and I cried and cried and cried.
One of my friends in real life is pregnant and due at the beginning of June, so imagine my surprise when in my dream, she walks through the hospital doors in labour. In labour with a full term baby. Of course, I was happy for her, but when she asked what I was doing there, I had to explain that I gave birth at 22 weeks and my baby is now fighting for life.
The rest of the dream is sort of fuzzy, it was sort of in patches and pieced together only after I woke up.
I remember walking into a room and seeing him hooked up to all these monitors. Then I remember him looking around as if to find me.
I was sitting next to him and a doctor came in and told me he likely won’t make it.
Then I was in the waiting room crying and crying and crying again for my baby boy.
Then I woke up and was crying all over my pillow.
Scarlett obviously heard me because she was sitting beside me patting my back saying ‘it’s okay mum, it’s okay’. Then she layed back down and went to sleep.
What a terrible, vivid, horrible dream. No, it was a nightmare based on real life possibilities.
I’ve never had to live through a stillbirth but cudos to everyone that has. My dream was more than enough for me, how horrible.
Now I can’t shake the feeling something bad is going to happen. Ugh, I hate that!!! When dreams impact on everyday life. Drives me insane.