The day after…

Do you remember last time, the day after the miscarriage that I had a dance concert to go to? My nieces. Well, her mother is pregnant, and there is this new shop that has opened up in the city that you have to make appointments to go and pay a deposit.

It’s basically a shop like Costco. It sells everything. But it’s by appointment only. Guess who booked weeks ago to go there today. Us!

We are going ‘baby shower shopping’, which is basically her way of gathering all the decorations and food we need for her upcoming baby shower.

The universe is really cruel sometimes. 

I woke up today feeling my normal self. I woke up before my alarm clock, which hasn’t happened since I got a positive test. My boobs don’t hurt anymore. I don’t feel overly hungry like I have been. And I don’t have a heavy feeling in my uterus anymore. 

It’s like everything disappeared overnight. And sure, it may be the case that it’s mental and my little bean is still hanging on, but considering everything, I think that’s unlikely.

I stopped bleeding late last night. Today it’s just dark brown crinone.  

But you know what the worst part about today is?

I am so god damn jealous of her and I don’t even understand the universe. 

This friend is not my sister, even though I call her daughter my niece. We have known each other since we were kids but we have drifted apart over the last few years. Obviously we still see each other and make an effort though.

Anyway, this was the girl who got pregnant accidentally then was wanting to abort the baby at 16 weeks. This was the one who told me that she would abort the baby if it was a boy because she didn’t want a boy. Luckily for her, it was a girl, but wen after she found out it was a girl, she still considered abortion until she was 16 weeks!!!

I’m not against abortion, but when you’re doing it that late in pregnancy and you’re wanting it based on the gender of your baby, then I have a problem with it. 

And I want to say, before I go on, that I would never wish anything bad upon her or her baby. Or anyone’s baby for that matter. Especially not because of my jealousy.

But what really frustrates me is that there are people out there who have that mindset and still get to keep their baby. She had the appointment booked for a few days after she was going to find out the gender and was either going to cancel the appointment or go ahead with it based on what she found out. 

And to her, that’s okay? How can the universe allow that to happen?

There are people out there who abuse their children and are so nasty to them, and yet they keep popping them out as if having children is going out of style. 

And then there is me. I go through all this preparation to have a baby. I change my lifestyle, I sacrifice time with my current daughter just so I can prepare for ivf. I spent months taking vitamins and supplements. I spent hundreds of dollars on alternative treatments JUST TO PREPARE FOR IVF.

Then I started ivf. I injected myself and put myself through painful surgery. I could hardly walk for nearly a week afterward! 

I spent all this money and went through the processes and I got pregnant.

All for what? To just lose the baby? Another baby? One that I already loved so dearly.

I didn’t care what gender it was. Well, okay, I admit I would have preferred a girl. But I already stated why I thought a girl would be better. I don’t want to screw up my children. And sometimes boys need their dads. I don’t have a dad for a boy, so I was scared. I could provide a mum for a girl, but not a dad for a boy.

I didn’t care what type of personality it had or how I was feeling. I didn’t have any sickness, but I didn’t with Scarlett either. I would have taken sickness if it meant another baby.

But my point, I go through all of this effort and pain and hope, only to have it cruelly ripped away from me?

When there are people out there who do despicable things to their kids and they just get pregnant and have babies like rabbits.

I’m jealous. I really am. Today I am going to have to look at all this baby stuff with a smile on my face. No one knew I was pregnant except my mum and dad, my doctor and nurses, and my reflexologist. 

My friend doesn’t know that in the time she has been pregnant, I have been pregnant twice. And if this really is a miscarriage and I need to transfer the other one, I may have been pregnant 3 times during her single pregnancy.

Can’t the universe see how nasty that is?

Today I’m going to have to pretend that I’m okay. That I am super supportive of the fact that she is having a baby and that I can’t wait for her baby shower. When in my head, I’m going to be seething with jealously. Why does she get the baby? She only wanted it if it was a girl. I WILL TAKE WHATEVER! 

And don’t get me wrong, I am happy that she is pregnant and having a baby. I love that her daughter will have a little sister and I can see she is so excited already. But I’m also jealous and that is clouding my feelings right now. When she complains about how much ‘of a whale’ she is and how she’s super tired and can’t wait for the pregnancy to be over… at 25 weeks… I’m going to have to bite my tongue and refrain from telling her how fucking lucky she is to even have a baby in her stomach and that she should just be grateful for that privilege.

Hmmm.

I had to wait a whole 2 hours to have a blood test this morning. 

I will get the results Monday I guess.

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