So last night, I had this dream.
I was in my bed, just sitting there, when I looked in my hand. At first I was so confused, because here was this tiny little Scarlett sitting in my hand. She was so small, and wearing nothing. She was the size of a 20 cent piece, if that, maybe a 10 cent piece.
Upon closer inspection of the miniature Scarlett, I realised there were slight differences and it wasn’t Scarlett at all. The hair was darker, almost black. The nose was thinner. But the eyes were exactly the same.
I realised this was the baby I was pregnant with. But why was it not inside of me? Why wasn’t it bigger?
I asked it why it was outside of me, and she replied ‘you know why mum’.
I asked if she was planning on staying or going.
She said ‘mum, I have tried so hard to stay. I have fought and tried. I’ve done everything I can, but I can’t stay any longer. My body is broken. There are problems with this current body that won’t allow me to live past being born, and I don’t want that for you or me’
She went on to tell me that she was going to go away for a little while, but that I shouldn’t worry because she is only going away to find a better body. Then she will be back. She told me to get ready for her because I won’t even know that she is gone. Then she said ‘bye mummy, see you soon’ and then I woke up.
I woke up to more blood. Not heavier than usual, but still there. And also some cramping.
I knew the miscarriage was real and inevitable.
Strangely, the dream sort of soothed me. I knew it happened and I sort of accepted it easier.
So when my results came in at a whopping 128 (down from 843), i was expecting the results.
It didn’t make it less sad. Of course, but… I don’t know. I wasn’t as upset because of the dream. If I had not had that dream, it would have been a lot of ‘why’s’.
Like why I miscarried. Why was the embryo not good enough? Why did my body not help it along?
I feel like the dream gave me the peace I needed. And she told me she would be back, so I have to believe that.
It was hard telling the family. I couldn’t do it individually, so I sent out one large group message. I got a lot of ‘hope you’re okay, love you’s but thank god no one asked anything more. I would have been a wreck otherwise.
I don’t know what I want to do now. I want a second child, but I’m so scared of going through something like this again.
The miscarriage is bad, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not as bad as the waiting and the not knowing and the stressing.
I did everything right and yet it still went wrong. It could happen again. The statistics aren’t in my favour, 2 of my 3 pregnancies have ended in a miscarriage. I’ve been lucky, they have both been relatively early so I haven’t gotten my hopes completely up.
But as a person, especially a person with a daughter, you fantasise. How they will play together. How close they will be. How Scarlett could help bring me nappies and would run away after so she doesn’t have to change the nappy. How Scarlett would read her a book. How they would play together. Dress up together. Grow up together.
And then suddenly, this fantasy that was actually in your grasp up to 48 hours ago is now shattered.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get pregnant again. I can afford 1 more fresh cycle of IVF before I’m broke. In fact, that cycle will take me about 10 months to financially recover. I don’t have that much time. I want to go back to uni and get a qualification. I want to be a midwife and I can’t keep delaying it.
So that’s where I’m at. I’m going to take a break from everything for a while. I just need some time. But I’m okay, I will get through it, I’m just really bone-deep sad.