Do you know what the last thing is that you want to do the day after a most-likely miscarriage? Go out.
But you know what I had on today? My niece’s dance concert. I paid $35 for a ticket, so I really couldn’t skip it.
The day started at 4:30am. Scarlett is getting another tooth and this one is really messing with her. She was up every 20 minutes crying (with pain meds) and finally got up permanently at 4:30. The outcome for me? Nearly no sleep all night.
Which is fine, because I was already emotional. So when I got up and made her breakfast while sobbing my eyes out, it was acceptable.
I eventually went to the toilet. And to my surprise, the blood had almost stopped. It was brown, it had no clots in it, and it was only a very light flow. It wasn’t even touching the pad I had on.
I figured all the pregnancy tissue was gone so no need for more bleeding. Later, I did a pregnancy test to compare. It’s pretty much the same darkness from yesterday. Which would make sense since it’s only been a day. I have to give my body time to get rid of the hcg.
I have had some very small cramping, it’s not really painful, just uncomfortable. And the bleeding has continued throughout the day. It’s still not touching the pad and it’s brown, but still consistently there.
You know a really cruel thing? The symptoms are still there. My boobs are still tender and I still feel sick. I thought I was going to vomit during the concert. Which sucks, because I’m 99% certain that the pregnancy is over. There is no way it could have progressed with the size of the clots that ended up coming out of me.
No joke, I had at least 4 the size of my palm. It almost felt like giving birth (the pressure, not the pain).
So that’s where I’m at now. I’m going to get the bloods done tomorrow to confirm that it’s over and hopefully the clinic will schedule me for an ultrasound to confirm all the tissue is gone.
I feel like I have no patience today. I’m in a perpetually bad mood and I just shouldn’t have left the house. I tried not to be nasty and that just resulted in me being quiet.
What do I tell people? Sorry for being in a bad mood guys, I’m pretty sure I miscarried last night and all I want to do is cry in bed but instead I have to be here to support my niece. Because life goes on. Just because I feel shitty and sad doesn’t mean other people do.
I feel like I’m in limbo. In my logical brain, I know it’s over. But I have this tiny speckle of hope. Maybe it was a subchorionic haemmorage? Maybe it was some sort of cervical irritation?
Again, logically, I know that is so unlikely and totally not what happened, but I want a miracle. I so wish this baby is still thriving and growing.
You know, I remember from when I was pregnant with Scarlett that my doctor told me that at 4 weeks, your chance of miscarriage sits at about 25%.
Which means your chance of not having a miscarriage is 75%.
That is the vast majority. Majority of people don’t have a miscarriage. So why me? Why did I happen to fall into that small 25%?
I’m just feeling very sorry for myself.
So let’s recap for a second.
My first beta at 13dpo was 31.
At 16dpo it was 87.
Tomorrow, at 20dpo, it should be about 348. That’s if things are good.
If the number is higher, it probably just means the baby had a rapid period of growth and the numbers increased more than they technically should before it happened. I would expect them to come down quite soon if that’s the case.
If the number is around 300, I would say the numbers have already started dropping.
Anything under 200 and I’m calling it.
I’ll update tomorrow when I know more.