So if you have been following me lately, you know that I have been considering having a second baby. Not quite yet, but maybe starting to try within the next year.
Well, I brought it up to my mum a few times and her answer was the same each and every time- ‘no, not happening’.
I do understand, she helps out with Scarlett a lot! Whether that be money wise, taking her for a few hours of a morning so I can actually get a small, uninterrupted sleep, and even emotionally. She loves Scarlett and loves to play with her and just be with her. She looks after her while I’m at work or studying. She even offers occasionally to take her for a few hours so I can go see a movie with friends or have some ‘me’ time.
The point is, it’s a large burden on her. She has essentially taken on the ‘dad’ role in the relationship. We have a partnership going and it works, Scarlett is obviously fed and growing exactly the way she should. She is happy and loving. And I think a lot of that is down to my mum. I don’t know where we would be without her. Those first few months when I was battling PPD were really difficult and I’m not sure how I would have coped without her.
I understand she wants me to finish Uni so I have a degree. I understand that we don’t have a seperate room for a baby at this point so if I did have another, Scarlett and that baby would have to share a room when they are older. Scarlett still sleeps with me and I imagine another baby would put a spanner in that situation. A new baby would also probably sleep with us, and do three in a bed work? Maybe if I upgrade to a king sized bed…. But even still, is it fair that Scarlett gets woken up by a new baby whenever he/she cried? Is it then fair to kick Scarlett out of bed and have the new baby sleep there? I feel like I’d be betraying Scarlett. And I love co-sleeping! Can you sleep in a bed with two babies though?
There are plenty of reasons why I Shouldn’t have another baby. I may not handle it emotionally. I worry Scarlett will dislike a sibling. I worry she will feel rejected if another baby comes along. I worry how I would cope with two, and the logistics of two- the would outnumber me, it would be so much harder just to pop into the shops, less money, less holidays, less chance to involve each child in extracurricular activities, more emotional stress, I’m almost guaranteeing a hectic 4 years ahead, and I’ll have no free time, which means almost no more reading or sitting down to watch a few episodes of greys anatomy while the children sleep.
I get its going to be hard, but I really do think it’s something I want to do.
I’m still undecided about whether I want to do another cycle of IVF, but I at least want to give that embryo in the freezer a go.
Anyway, yesterday I was telling my mum that since Scarlett has moved into size 1 clothes, that I need to clean out her drawers, keep the cute things and donate the things that I won’t use again. My mum turned around and said ‘I don’t think you should be getting rid of any clothes’. I asked why, and she replied with ‘well if you’re talking about having another baby, how practical is it to donate clothes and re buy everything when you’ve already got clothes for it if it’s a girl?’.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Was this acceptance? Did she approve of the fact I want to have another? Is it strange that as soon as she said that, I got a little bit scared because now the thought could actually eventuate into a baby.
I do worry how I’ll cope with two. I imagine that first year is going to be filled with struggling and just living day to day. But I’m also excited by the prospect.
I have concerns of course, like how I’ll cope with money, what I’ll do about uni, and how Scarlett will cope.
I love Scarlett and I want to give her everything. She is doing swimming lessons and mini maestros right now, and I feel like with a second baby I might not be able to provide her with everything I want to. I’ll be torn between wanting to give her my undivided attention and also trying to settle a baby.
I know the saying ‘one is like one and two is like twenty’, and I completely believe that. Simple things also concern me, like if something ever happened to my mum (God forbid) finding care for 1 child is easier than finding care for 2. And even support. It take a village to raise children, and whilst people say they will help, you can’t always rely on that.
I guess I’m also doubting my own abilities. I think my experience with a baby was tainted by the PPD and I didn’t see the light for a long time.
But I do think I want to try. I guess I’ll keep thinking about it and make my decision late this year/ early next year. I won’t be doing anything until at least November, and probably won’t actually start a transfer until February if I decide to go ahead.
Time will tell, I’m sure. I’m also open to any and all advice! 😄😄
Talk soon! X