You know, for the longest time I was absolutely firm in my stance that I would never do this again. By ‘this’, I mean having a baby. I swore that I would only ever have one and that the embryo in storage would never be used.
I really struggled when Scarlett was a baby, or, since she is still a baby, I should say ‘the whole time before she was 7 months old’. Between the post partum depression and the sleep deprivation and Scarlett seeming to be constantly grumpy, I felt like I couldn’t win. I felt like there was no hope and that this was way too hard for me to begin all over again.
But a few things have changed in the last two weeks or so. A friend of mine just had her second baby. Her daughter is 15 months old and her daughter is just smitten with her new baby sister. She’s already bringing toys over and offering kisses to the baby. It is just the absolutely most perfect thing to watch.
Then I look at my precious little Scarlett. She has learnt to give kisses now and it is the sweetest little thing. I’ve found over the last month her personality has really started to blossom and she is such a sassy little thing.
Since she also knows the word ‘no’ and knows how to shake her head, if you do something she doesn’t like she will hold a finger up at you, shake her head and scrunch her face up. It’s the cutest little thing.
She’s always loved our cat, but now that she knows how to give kisses (and crawl) she follows him around and gives him kisses all the time. She is even going up and down steps (although down is a bit tricky still- and always with supervision) and she is so active.
She loves loves loves my mums daycare children. They are all older than her (some by only 1 year) but they play together and have a ball. She loves other children and it is the sweetest thing to watch.
So with that said, over the last two weeks I have really been considering having another baby. It’s like a fog has lifted and I see the light. I see why people do this and I fully understand why that lady on TV has 20 or so kids. I get it now.
I just imagine my little Scarlett having a little baby brother or sister to play with. I see them going to the same school and parties and I imagine a life.
I feel like I have all this love in my heart left to give. On one hand, I love Scarlett so fully that I don’t know how I would love another child as much, but then I imagine this other baby and I see them playing together and us baking together and doing things. I want that. I want it so fully.
There are problems though. I am in no way struggling for money, but my mum helps out a lot. I pay rent but she supplies all my food. I buy Scarlett’s formula and the expensive berries and stuff, but she buys the basics. But is it fair to lump her with another mouth to feed? I have offered to pay, I literally always ask her to let me pay for groceries, but she always tells me no, and that she is happy to do it.
But keeping with that topic, I still live with my parents. Is it fair to have another baby while living here? I don’t plan on moving out any time soon. If I have another baby especially, I’ll need all the support I can take! But is that fair?
I haven’t even broached the subject with my mum because I’m scared of what her reaction will be. I would understand if she got mad- she was only ever expecting me to have one. And up until two weeks ago, I was very firm in my stance on only having one. But now I’m scared that with all my issues, that time will run out, and this second baby that I’m wishing for so bad won’t be able to happen.
I think about how hard it was to conceive Scarlett. Will it be that difficult again?
Is it fair to bring a second child into a single parent family? Is it selfish of me to have TWO kids with no dad?
There are a lot of perks to having two kids:
-they will always have a buddy to play with
-they will always have someone to talk to
-they won’t be alone and will have support throughout life (even after I’m gone)
-twice the love
-twice the pictures and memories
But there are also negatives:
-it’s double the work
-you can’t take naps with a toddler and a newborn
-the craziness never stops
-I’m only one person, which means they will outnumber me
-I might get post pardum depression again
-I still need to finish my university course
But despite all that, I still want another one.
I guess I’m seeking advice, from everyone, not just the mummies I have on here.
Is it completely selfish of me to burden my parents with another baby for mine and Scarlett’s benefit? Keeping in mind my clock is probably very close to stopping ticking.
Also keeping in mind that if I did this, I wouldn’t start trying until… November of this year. So if it worked first round, Scarlett would be a few months over 2 years old when baby number 2 would be born.
It would mean I would have to put off uni again. But then, Uni is something I can go back to anytime… A baby probably won’t be something I’ll be able to have in the future.
It also means that if I do ever meet anyone in the future and they want children and I decide I want another AND by some miracle I can have a baby- I would have 3 kids. Which is two more than I ever planned for.
I don’t know. Even with these negative points I want another. I really, truly do.
Thoughts? Please be honest, this will be a big change so I need everyone’s honest opinion.
Talk soon! X