One or two?

You know, for the longest time I was absolutely firm in my stance that I would never do this again. By ‘this’, I mean having a baby. I swore that I would only ever have one and that the embryo in storage would never be used.

I really struggled when Scarlett was a baby, or, since she is still a baby, I should say ‘the whole time before she was 7 months old’. Between the post partum depression and the sleep deprivation and Scarlett seeming to be constantly grumpy, I felt like I couldn’t win. I felt like there was no hope and that this was way too hard for me to begin all over again.

But a few things have changed in the last two weeks or so. A friend of mine just had her second baby. Her daughter is 15 months old and her daughter is just smitten with her new baby sister. She’s already bringing toys over and offering kisses to the baby. It is just the absolutely most perfect thing to watch.

Then I look at my precious little Scarlett. She has learnt to give kisses now and it is the sweetest little thing. I’ve found over the last month her personality has really started to blossom and she is such a sassy little thing.

Since she also knows the word ‘no’ and knows how to shake her head, if you do something she doesn’t like she will hold a finger up at you, shake her head and scrunch her face up. It’s the cutest little thing.

She’s always loved our cat, but now that she knows how to give kisses (and crawl) she follows him around and gives him kisses all the time. She is even going up and down steps (although down is a bit tricky still- and always with supervision) and she is so active. 

She loves loves loves my mums daycare children. They are all older than her (some by only 1 year) but they play together and have a ball. She loves other children and it is the sweetest thing to watch.

So with that said, over the last two weeks I have really been considering having another baby. It’s like a fog has lifted and I see the light. I see why people do this and I fully understand why that lady on TV has 20 or so kids. I get it now

I just imagine my little Scarlett having a little baby brother or sister to play with. I see them going to the same school and parties and I imagine a life.

I feel like I have all this love in my heart left to give. On one hand, I love Scarlett so fully that I don’t know how I would love another child as much, but then I imagine this other baby and I see them playing together and us baking together and doing things. I want that. I want it so fully.

There are problems though. I am in no way struggling for money, but my mum helps out a lot. I pay rent but she supplies all my food. I buy Scarlett’s formula and the expensive berries and stuff, but she buys the basics. But is it fair to lump her with another mouth to feed? I have offered to pay, I literally always ask her to let me pay for groceries, but she always tells me no, and that she is happy to do it.

But keeping with that topic, I still live with my parents. Is it fair to have another baby while living here? I don’t plan on moving out any time soon. If I have another baby especially, I’ll need all the support I can take! But is that fair?

I haven’t even broached the subject with my mum because I’m scared of what her reaction will be. I would understand if she  got mad- she was only ever expecting me to have one. And up until two weeks ago, I was very firm in my stance on only having one. But now I’m scared that with all my issues, that time will run out, and this second baby that I’m wishing for so bad won’t be able to happen. 

I think about how hard it was to conceive Scarlett. Will it be that difficult again?

Is it fair to bring a second child into a single parent family? Is it selfish of me to have TWO kids with no dad?

There are a lot of perks to having two kids:

-they will always have a buddy to play with

-they will always have someone to talk to

-they won’t be alone and will have support throughout life (even after I’m gone)

-twice the love

-twice the pictures and memories

But there are also negatives:

-it’s double the work

-you can’t take naps with a toddler and a newborn

-the craziness never stops

-I’m only one person, which means they will outnumber me

-more expenses

-I might get post pardum depression again

-I still need to finish my university course

But despite all that, I still want another one. 

I guess I’m seeking advice, from everyone, not just the mummies I have on here. 

Is it completely selfish of me to burden my parents with another baby for mine and Scarlett’s benefit? Keeping in mind my clock is probably very close to stopping ticking.

Also keeping in mind that if I did this, I wouldn’t start trying until… November of this year. So if it worked first round, Scarlett would be a few months over 2 years old when baby number 2 would be born.

It would mean I would have to put off uni again. But then, Uni is something I can go back to anytime… A baby probably won’t be something I’ll be able to have in the future.

It also means that if I do ever meet anyone in the future and they want children and I decide I want another AND by some miracle I can have a baby- I would have 3 kids. Which is two more than I ever planned for.

I don’t know. Even with these negative points I want another. I really, truly do.

Thoughts? Please be honest, this will be a big change so I need everyone’s honest opinion.

TIA 

Talk soon! X

Look at this face, how could I not want another? 😄
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4 thoughts on “One or two?

  1. There are so many, many reasons to go either route. I’ll probably have more advice in about a year…but, I can tell you why we went for two under two. We wanted to space them closely based on Darwin’s personality and our desire to have one before the end of Leah’s PhD program (this was the best timing for that school-wise). However, we always knew we wanted more than 1.

    I’d give yourself a bit more time – two weeks of “easier” can revert just as quickly. It’s also really hard to be pregnant with a young child. Oh, and since you’d be carrying (of course), you might look into the effects of carrying two so close – what spacing would you be thinking at this point? That could make a big difference in how you experience pregnancy/recover/handle having two.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh god she’s gorgeous. Haha, so cheeky.

    This is a toughy, as it is such a personal choice and decision. I don’t believe there is a right or wrong answer, but I believe that the answer that you have to come to has to be 100%. It can’t be maybe or 90%, because it is a lifelong commitment both financially and emotionally. I guess the way I would look at it is, if you didn’t have your mum there could you do it? Ultimately, as much as we trust our family at the end of the day we can only completely trust ourselves… I think it would have to be a discussion with your Mum too, as to what she is able to provide support wise and financially and go from there. I’ve heard a lot of people say that one is one and two is ten, so maybe talk to parents of more than one child and see what they say as well.

    I understand how much the fact that your clock may be ticking must impact your thoughts and decisions… It is a difficult situation to be in. I guess what I’m saying is – If you aren’t completely ready for a second baby, don’t push yourself to make a swift decision on the basis that you may not be able to in the future. There are ways, and at our age we are highly likely to see many technological advancements as well. We never know what the future will bring so we have to live each day and month as it comes.

    Ultimately, you will know what is best for both you and Scarlett. Only you know what you can handle and what you need. You’ll make the right choice. Have faith in yourself and know that in the end whatever choice you made was the one you needed to.

    Thinking of you & little miss. Have a great weekend Hun xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol Thanks Chloe 🙂

      It is such a hard decision because there are so many factors. If I got pregnant any time this year (all the way up to December) I wouldn’t be able to go back to uni next year because I’d be too pregnant to go on placements. The problem with that is that I’m 100% sure the Uni won’t give me 3 years off in a row. Which means that I would need to drop out and re apply. If I drop out, there are no guarantees that I would ever get back in. And that worries me.
      But I guess my major problem is my mum. You make a good point about if I could do it without my mum. It’s hard, because again, there are so many factors. If I got post partum depression again, then absolutely not. Although, in saying that, maybe I’m being too harsh on myself. I mean, what would be the worse that could happen if I did have to do it on my own? I would probably cry a lot and get frustrated at myself, but sometimes I do that anyway. I think when you’re placed in a hard situation… Sometimes all you have to do it survive.
      But then there are differing levels of support too. If you mean could I do it without my mums financial support, it would depend. Would I be living on my own? Because then yes, financially I could do it. I’m very good at saving and although I have a lot of money left over that I allow myself to lash out with, I think I’d be able to do it again. There are absolutely things I’d try different next time. Like getting on medication for milk supply from the get go. So I could have another crack at breastfeeding (and maybe save some money).
      I’ve gone a bit off track, but also, are there people out there that do it 100% on their own with two children? As in, with no support from anyone? If there is, then honestly, they need a medal and like, a ‘human of the year award’. Lol! Because I know how hard 1 is, and I know with 2 it would be doubly as hard.

      You’ve given me a really good point to think about. I think about what I would do if suddenly I didn’t have my mum to help. Well, I guess Uni would be out. I’d probably have to work a bit more… Or at least keep my hours in doing now. Daycare would be a must, obviously, or even if a family member could babysit so I could alternate between. It would be hard. Like, really hard. But the really hard stuff doesn’t last too long, and maybe with two it would pass faster since you would never be able to stop?

      My problem is, I keep coming back to two points.
      1. I have that embryo in the freezer. My clinic lets you store embryos for 5 years, which means if I don’t use it by then, I have no choice but to dispose of it. It sounds ridiculous, but I worked hard for that embryo! I’ve paid to keep it ‘alive’ and I feel a connection to it. That’s literally my DNA, my child. It would be like dumping Scarlett in a bin and never seeing her again. Okay, maybe not like that. But I feel like I need to give it a chance. If nothing came from it, then I would feel settled in my decision that I gave it a chance and it wasn’t meant to be, but I feel like I can’t just throw it out.

      2. I imagine taking Scarlett somewhere, and I imagine her with a sibling. I imagine her being 4 and her sibling 2 and being at a zoo and Scarlett pointing things out to her little brother or sister. Or them walking along holding hands. Or taking them to a play centre and letting them loose to wear themselves out (lol!). I grew up with my brother and a cousin. The three of us did everything together. If we went out, I always had someone to play with or talk to. And I want that for Scarlett. I want her to have those experiences.

      I know kids make friends easily, but how much more fun would it be going to a play centre or ice skating rink or roller blading or bike riding with someone you know.

      I know it’s a bigger financial burden. I know it will mean putting myself to the side because who wants to date a single mum with not only one, but TWO kids! But all that doesn’t worry me. Uni and careers can come later, I can’t guarantee that a child will. Which is why I want to get through it sooner rather than later. Id also like to get the newborn stuff out of the way. Like, I feel like I want to feel settled that the newborn and baby phase is done and then move on to toddler phases. I don’t think I’m explaining that right, but what I mean is like… I don’t want to go from being in the toddler phase, then the small child phase, then the older child phase, then have another baby and skip back to newborn again. I’d like them to grow up together, not have Scarlett grow up then bring another baby into the world.

      I mean, I think about it this way, even if I had four years of ‘torture’ while I’m struggling with two kids to get through Uni and manage them and do things with them, think about all the amazing years I will have after that. Don’t get me wrong, the ‘torture’ years will be amazing too, but they will be lifelong friends. And all the crying and sleepless nights will be worth it.

      I don’t know, like you said, it’s a big decision and I do need to think more on it since it’s only a new thought. I also need to get my mum on board, because let’s be honest, if she’s not okay with another baby under her roof, it won’t happen.

      Thanks for thinking of us lovely. I think about you all the time. So excited for you to start your next cycle. Xxx

      Like

  3. I always say do what’s best for you, no one can tell you what’s best for you and what your heart desires other than yourself. If I was in your shoes I would think more long term, what happens if your mom doesn’t want you to have another one, are you financially stable enough to move out and be on your own, that could really happen at any time. As far as being a single parent, people do it every day and kids are well loved and do fine. You will find your special someone to share your kids with when the time is right for you. ❤️

    Like

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