Okay, so i’m freaking out a little. This guy i’ve been talking to online. His name is Mathew. I have already told you a lot about him. Well, the other day we were chatting and I told him that I was meeting my friend at this milkshake place that I had wanted to go to for forever.
He told me to send a photo of the milkshake that I get, then asked if I wanted to meet him there next wednesday.
Holy fuck. Cue stomach dropping into my shoes and immediate sick feelings!
I dont talk about this very much, but I have very low self esteem. It’s very strange, because I am a very confident person. I will happy get on stage and perform or get up and do a public speaking gig without an issue. But anything that is attributed to myself, I just completely shut down.
I’m overweight. Not by just a little bit either. I know that. It doesnt particularly bother me, that is until it comes to something like this.
When it comes to dating, I have always been so self concious. Being self concious started my low self esteem issues and it has just escalted through the years.
I’m terrified that I am going to meet him and even though he has seen photos of me, and even though he has been getting to know me for weeks, I’m terrifed he will take one look at me then think ‘well shit. hell no!’.
Which is why (in my head) I had a plan to not meet him for at least a month so that I could lose some weight and feel a little better about myself. But then he asked.
I wasnt sure what to do, and now I’m even more unsure. I wanted to add him on facebook so that we could both check out each others profiles before we actually see each other. When I asked him, he said he deleted his facebook profile after him and his ex-fiance seperated. He said he mainly had it for her and her friends, and after they broke up and most of their friends picked her, he decided to get rid of it completely.
This is a reasonable explaination. I know several people in real life who have done this as well.
But im still so scared.
My mum is completely unsupportive of internet dating. She thinks only ‘weirdos’ and ‘desperate’ people turn to online dating. To be fair, she did know a few people who tried it and had terrible experiences with it (one of her friends was raped on the first date of the person she met online). But because of this, I havent told her that I am meeting him on wednesday.
Because he didnt have facebook, I asked if one of my friends could come along, and he was fine with that. But I hate lying to my mum. I really want to tell her because I am sure she will like him. He has everything that she thinks I need in a man- a full time job, aspirations, wanting to buy a house, stable family, and a sense of humour. He has all those attributes and so much more.
But im also scared of telling her. Once I tell her, I cant take it back. So if i tell her, then meet him on wednesday and he is disgusted in me, what do i do then?
How do I discreatly ask him ‘Hey, you know I’m fat right?’. On the dating site, there wasnt an option for ‘obese’. There was thin, athletic, average, and ‘an extra few pounds’.
I picked the extra few pounds because I dont fit into the other categories, but what if he thinks he is meeting someone who is literally only ‘an extra few pounds’. Thats what he put himself down as, and I can tell you, he doesnt look overweight at all. AT ALL. What if he legit thinks he is meeting someone skinny.
I’m going to be 100% honest here, how can he find me attractive if I dont find myself attractive?
I’m literally so close to just cancelling. I am freaking out about everything. What if he feels obligated to sit there and meet me if all he is thinking in his head was ‘I didnt think she was this fat’. What if he outright tells me hes not interested anymore.
It would be a shame, because he seems really nice and I can see a lot of potential in him. I love the fact he is a single dad- he will understand that the children come first. I love that he has a sense of humour. I love that he actually sends me paragrahs when he answers my questions rather than little ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers. I love that he hasnt once brought up sex yet. Not once. I love that he wants to work and he wants to buy a house. I love that he wants a serious relationship and values family.
He literally has so much potential, and I think that my body may literally ruin all that. But then if I cancel, I suspect that would be even worse, because then he might think I dont want to meet him.
It’s not that I dont want to meet him, it’s that I dont want to meet him in the shape I’m in now. And I’m really, really scared.
These are the photos I posted on the dating site. Honestly, by looking at these, would you realise that I’m a lot overweight?